Dreams of the Quill

by Flak

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• • • “Miss, are you alright? Miss?”
      • What’s that voice? It’s soft, angelic. Onee-chan?

      “Miss, get it together! Get up! Come on… it’ll get cold out soon!”

      • Cold? What’s cold? Where’s onee-chan?

      “Miss!”

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• 2.1 : Sleep

When I open my eyes and am faced with that same picture, the foot of a bed, I nearly cry out in shock. Back in bed? So the hospital found me and saved me? I close my eyes again and sink back into the pillow. Wait.

I snap up immediately and look around.

The sheets are not that sterile white. They’re a comforting light blue. The hospital might change colors, but there’s only one bed in the room. Onee-chan left her bed behind. So this is not that room! This is not the hospital! This is someplace else. Is this someplace… better? Or is this place worse…?

“Stuck in bed again,” I mutter to myself. “Can’t be like this when onee-chan wants me to live.” I try to ease myself out of bed, only to find the sheets are firmly tucked under the mattress, holding me down. “Stuck for real, it seems.” I can’t be like this. I strain against the sheets to no avail, my physical weakness weighing me down.

“Can’t be like this!” I cry, giving one final strain before falling back and facing the ceiling.

“You’re awake.” I turn my head to face the direction from whence the voice came.

“You are…?” I ask quietly. Onee-chan, she has some smile! It warms me, just as yours did. For some reason, she reminds me of you. Is it kindness? Is it the silkiness of her voice?

“Introductions can wait,” the dark haired woman smiles calmly as she says this. “For now, I will go get you something warm to drink. You should take it easy, you’ve been asleep for ages!” She curtsies, and leaves. As if she were my maid! What did I do to deserve this

In the seconds- minutes- hours- eternity- during which she is out of the room, I gather all I can of my surroundings. I lay sprawled out over a good portion of the bed- a twin size, I figure, due to its similarity to the bed in the hospital room. The head of the bed rests against one wall, one side of the bed against another. The room is a small square. Pictures of oceans and rock formations, of sunsets and green fields, are scattered along the expanse of the room’s inner lateral area. Some are framed, most aren’t. The door of the room is mere feet from me, an orange paper sliding screen with a rich red-brown wooden skeleton that lies along the wall opposite the one my bed’s side lies against. As the woman had left, she had slid the door closed behind her with the air of one who has made the motion several times a day her entire life.

After those seven years, these traditional doorways seem alien.

The walls are painted a soft shade of blue, more intense yet softer than the blue of the bed. On the wall next to the bed there’s a window, made in the same manner as the door. The window is a long rectangle that covers the entire length of the wall and its operation as a sliding barrier is split into several independent sections of screen. It looks somewhat inefficient next to the simple glass windows the hospital used.

The next thing I notice is the floor. A simple pattern of hard wooden boards forms the welcome change from the hospital’s white tile. It seems as if on cue, when I finish examining the room the door slides open.

“Hot tea, hot tea!” she exclaims energetically, handing me a cup. I accept it with a grateful inclination of my head.

“Well, now that you have something to drink, I’ll introduce myself. I’m Miyuka Midori, but you can just call me Midori.”

“Akane,” I reply, giving her only my first name.

“Akane-chan? My, what a pretty name.” Onee-chan, you always said the same thing.

“So, ‘you’ve been asleep for ages’… is that right? How long have I been asleep?”

“Well, I found you lying by the side of the road six days ago. I don’t know how long you were there. I’m glad you woke up, I was thinking I should call the hospital and see about getting you nutrition in some way other than eating-”

“NO!” I don’t mean to snap, I definitely don’t mean to. But I am, for some reason. The hospital… I don’t want to go back. “No matter what, don’t contact a hospital about me!” I peer into Midori’s eyes. She looks shocked.

“Apologies, but I was just-” Taking care of me?

“Well if that’s what it entails, don’t! I’m just fine!”

I handed her my cup. She seems dazed, like she doesn’t understand what’s going on. Of course, I don’t understand much either, but I finish my motions from earlier, and, using a burst of energy, free myself from the sheets. I shakily get to my feet, and make my way towards the door.

“Hey, you’re in no condition to go outside! Hey, Akane-chan! What are you doing?”

I place my hand on the door and attempt to push it open.

“Don’t try to diagnose me!” She approaches me slowly, worry clear in her eyes.

Leaning against the door, Midori standing a foot from me, I crumple to the floor and begin sobbing.

“It’s okay, Akane-chan,” she says, kneeling down to my level and placing a hand on my shoulder. I smack it aside, begin shivering, holding myself.

“It’s not… nothing’s okay… nothing…”

She puts her hand on my shoulder again, this time in a more firm manner, and holds me still. I make no sign of human interaction with her from that point on, but she remains there, kneeling by my side, the entire time. Her look, while puzzled, still conveys strength and courage. She’s like you, onee-chan, in so many ways. Strong, understanding, comforting.

The next thing I remember is waking up in that same room, Midori sitting on a stool by my bedside, slumped forward onto the edge of my bed, dozing quietly. I bolt upright and look down at her sleeping face, at the bags under her eyes. Just how long had she watched me tirelessly, comforted me selflessly, cared for me thanklessly, before falling asleep?

“Midori…-chan.” My voice can, of course, never compare to yours, onee-chan, but thankfully I can speak quietly when necessary. I smile while looking at the woman’s sleeping form. Something feels right, onee-chan. Since I’m living for both of us now, I’ll do my best to be happy.

I lean back in bed, and, amidst hazy images of Midori sleeping and onee-chan smiling at me, I once again fall asleep.

• 2.2 : The Doctor

I haven’t gotten out of my new bed since my first attempt. But that’s okay, right, onee-chan? I’m okay with it, I’m happy now. Once I got my appetite back, I discovered that Midori-chan makes the most exquisite food. Not only that, everything she does seems to be wonderful. She’s an artist, you know. Her pencil work is beautiful. She also does my hair, for fun. The first time she offered to do it, I was hesitant to accept the offer, but when she held up the small mirror for me to see, I was awed. Since that moment, I’ve completely trusted everything she does. You’d like her, onee-chan.

The best part of everything is her visage. Her dark eyes, with their strong gaze. I still wonder what your eyes were like, onee-chan.

It’s amazing, how she manages to be there all the time. Every one of my waking moments, and that number is increasing lately, she’s either by my side or getting something for the two of us. One day, while she was sitting at the foot of the bed, one leg drawn up at her side, sleeves rolled up, sketching away, I asked her why she never went to work. She replied that she worked almost every waking hour. I found out from her in a later conversation that she’s a manga artist.

A few days later, I asked her if I had died. If this was some other place where everything is good. Where kind women bearing smiles and sparkling eyes tend to you. I asked her if this was where Death took people, if this was ‘gone’. I explained to her that I had never known such a gentle lifestyle. She merely giggled and reached over to pat my head.

Gradually, I began to live a more normal cycle of sleeping and waking. One day after I’d been up for whole days for a couple weeks, Midori came home from shopping bearing a grin.

“I have a guest!” was her news.

My jaw dropped and my eyes widened as a second figure stepped into the room.

“Reo-sensei?”

“Please, Akane-chan, the informal is fine with me,” he replied with a good natured smile, as he took the liberty of sitting on the stool by my bed. Midori’s stool by my bed.

“I’ll go get tea!” exclaimed Midori as she cheerfully sped out of the room.

“Man, damned timing! I was in the middle of an operation when you were released, Akane-chan, and they told me afterwards. By the time I went out looking for you, afraid you’d be unable to get by with your current level of physical strength, you were nowhere to be found. Thankfully, I found you! We need to be grateful for Miyuka-san caring for you… Akane-chan? What’s wrong?” Maybe it was only then that the doctor had noticed I wasn’t smiling, that I wasn’t happy to see him.

“I was finally detached from everything,” I began, slowly. “I was here, in a separate existance, isolated from you, from the hospital, from whatever that disease was… I was happy here, just Midori and I. Just the two of us together. It’s unfair for her, but she insists that it’s her pleasure. We were both happy, content, here. Yet… now you show up!” During my tirade, I noticed his smile disappear completely and a look of sorrow replace it.

“I’m not here about the hospital, or about the disease, or any of that, Akane-chan-”

“Again with the Akane-chan! Who do you think you are?” I yelled, angry, not caring if Midori heard. His expression changed from sorrow to outright hurt. Every line of his face dropped and his eyes narrowed as his forehead became creased.

“Who do you not remember me as?”

“You’re the doctor from the hospital who cried when I asked you a few questions! That’s who you are! I remember just fine!”

“If it’s the only way I can address you, so be it. Ukinare-san. Do you remember my question? About what you remember from before the hospital?”

“None of that matters! It’s the now that matters! And you’re impinging on my now!”

Midori entered at that point with another stool and a tray with two cups and a pot on it. She set the stool down next to Reo and placed the tray atop it. I noticed her hands shaking as she poured the tea, but when we made eye contact she gave me a huge false grin. As soon as the cups were full of the murky substance, the young woman left immediately, without a sound.

“Midori-chan, tea?” my question came too late and the door slid shut behind her back.

“Uki- no. Akane-chan.” Reo’s voice had become more firm, and I felt he would not yield. “If you do not remember, let me remind you.”

Before I could say a word, his hands gripped my shoulders. He drew my body closer to him. The last time I’d seen him, he’d had his glasses on, now, I was looking straight into his clear green eyes. They were beautiful.

“Your hair is beautiful, Akane-chan,” he said, with a sigh.

I was so absorbed in studying his face that I did not even fight, did not even protest, as he lowered his lips to mine and kissed me. As soon as he did it, though, reflex kicked in. I shoved forward, in effect headbutting him, and knocking him off me, his hands letting go of my weak shoulders.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked, indignantly.

“A reminder of who I am,” the doctor said, rubbing his forehead gently. At these words, I recoiled, and scooted over on the bed, intending to make space between him and I. “Akane-chan, it might take more to remember everything, but please understand that I do not wish for you to be in pain. I am not here as Sensei, I am here as Reo Yuki. I am here because I care about you a great deal. I am not here to remind you of hospitals or disease or those seven years of bed. I am here to remind you of something, true, and maybe you don’t see why anything from the past would be good, but please trust me.”

And here I saw my mistake. By moving away from him, the bedspace at my side had increased, and he, in few movements, was suddenly sitting by me, holding one of my hands with his, his other arm around my shoulders.

Unable to move or fight back, I merely leaned my head forward and let him be there, in such close proximity. I noticed, to my own puzzlement, that my heart was beating faster than before. Why, onee-chan? I turned away from him, trying to ignore him as best as I could. When I found this to be impossible due to his touch, I leaned against his arm and put my head on his shoulder. He nuzzled into my hair and we were both silent for a while.

“You understand, now,” he said after a while, with a small spark of hope in his voice. I looked up into his face, saw a trace of tears. Tears of joy? Or had I made him cry?

“I think so,” I replied, firmly, having been able to steady myself over the minutes since he’d made his move. “But things have changed. Those seven years have passed. I think I need some time.”

“That’s fine, Akane-chan,” he replied, a smile lighting up his face. He let go of my hand and pulled back, standing up.

“Thank you… Yuki,” I said, marveling at myself for saying calling him such. I held my hands together in my lap, my right hand suddenly feeling cold without his touch. I leaned back against the bed’s headboard, which suddenly felt unbearably hard after his arm. I smiled at him weakly, and his beam answered mine.

“Then, I’ll visit again, Akane-chan,” he said quietly, and slid the door open.

“Sure.” The door closed again, and he was on the other side of it. I heard his footsteps lead away from the room.

I expected Midori to come back, but she didn’t. The room felt lonely without her. The two cups of tea sat untouched, getting cold, on the tray she had brought. It was in noticing that she was not there, that her presence was so utterly absent, that I found that the door was slightly ajar, and I heard a faint sound coming from the other side. Someone was crying.

• 2.3 : You’re Wrong

“You seem more energetic lately,” Midori commented one morning a couple weeks after Reo Yuki’s visit. At the sound of her words, her melancholy tone, my spirits dropped. Ever since the day after the visit, when I had seen her face next, it was clear that something was wrong, and her attitude made it even more apparent. She hardly spoke, and she rarely smiled anymore. The worst thing about this change was that even if she said anything, I could only reply with a ‘…yeah’ or a weak nod of the head. I felt tired looking at her and lost the ability to form complete sentences.

But it was true. I was much more energetic, onee-chan. This marked my first month without slipping away into sleep at random points, and I doubted that that habit would come back any time soon. I still don’t know what had induced it, but if it were any kind of illness I was ‘on the mend’, as they say. I never even considered, at the time, that it might have been connected to the disease.

I nodded at Midori, and turned back to the book I was reading. I knew that if I never said anything things would remain the way they were, that Midori would not cheer up and we would sit here, her drawing, me reading or looking out the window, for an indefinite amount of time. Part of me wanted that. Part of me wanted not to change, not to disturb the silence, not to talk. But over the last few days, I had decided it was time to do something. And so on this day I quietly closed my book and placed it by my side, moving slowly yet surely.

She was facing me, though looking down at her sketchbook. Aside from her former work, she never let me see any art she produced. I hadn’t prodded her or anything, because I didn’t want to bug her- I knew my presence impinged on her privacy and I wanted to be as unobtrusive as possible. But now I had to address her.

“Midori-chan,” I began, my voice like my actions, quiet and slow. My words, trickling from my mouth one by one. “Why…”

“Because it was painful,” she said without looking up, before I could finish my question.

“What?”

“Why am I down? I’ll tell you why. Because it was painful.” She’d known what I was going to ask.

“What was painful? Midori?”

“Seeing you with Reo-sensei, it hurt.” She averted her eyes from me, closed her sketchbook, placed it on the ground with her pencil upon it. “It hurt, seeing you in here, with him.”

“Midori-chan,” I mouthed, my eyes widening.

“I’m sorry, Akane-chan! I’m so sorry!” She dropped her art supplies onto the floor, held her face in her hands, curled into a lump upon the stool.

“Midori-chan, you like Sensei?” I asked, in a bit of shock. When she gave no response but sob louder, I continued as if she’d said yes. “That’s fine! Don’t be so upset! Quite frankly, he’s still a spineless doctor to me. Even if what he says about the past is true, about me and him, it’s been too long, there’s been too much. I don’t know. But what’s wrong with liking someone? I mean-”

“You’re wrong!” She raised her voice with this, and the sorrow was replaced with violence for mere seconds..

“What?” I had never heard Midori say something in that manner, and I don’t remember anyone before that have such anger in their voice in speaking to me. I gasped. It was as if she only then realized how she’d said what she’d said, and her own jaw dropped.

She slowly lifted a hand and extended her arm, reaching out to me. I slapped her hand away, recoiled. Even as she clenched the hand I hit with her other, she was apologizing.

“Please forgive me, Akane-chan. I… you… you have it all wrong!”

I scrambled away from her, pushed against the wall next to my bed, huddled there.

“Damn it, this isn’t what I wanted! I,” Tears began flowing. She looked so bewildered, so hurt, lost. “I, I,” she choked, then stood up quickly and fled from the room, slamming the sliding door behind her.

I sat there, shaken, for what seemed like hours, and then noticed that she had left her sketchbook and pencil on the floor by the stool. I slowly pushed myself over to the edge of the bed, bent over and picked the sketchbook up. I opened it slowly.

On the first page, in letters that looked more drawn than written, were the words “There must be something wrong.” I turned the page, and my eyes widened. I flipped through the done pages in a hurry, then went back to the second and skimmed through the sketches at a slower pace.

When I put the book back down on the ground where she’d dropped it, my mind was running in circles. Onee-chan, what does this mean? What am I supposed to do? Onee-chan, why is it full of sketches of me? Onee-chan…

• 2.4 : The Snow of a Short Season

Several weeks had passed since that day, the last time I’d tried communicating with her. I didn’t tell her I’d seen her art. I didn’t say anything, even, when she came back with her head down. I didn’t say anything when she picked up her art supplies. I didn’t say anything as she walked out of the room. When the door slid shut, I spoke. I spoke to nobody but myself and the room.

"Midori…"

She seldom entered my room now. She brought me food and drink, and changed the bed sheets every so often. When I did see her, I noted that though the weather was getting warmer, she was clad much more heavily than ever before. Layer after layer after layer, she kept donning more sweaters and scarves. And still she shivered. I was worried something was wrong, that she might have been sick. I almost opened my mouth about it once, but just at that moment she met my gaze and I saw in her eyes a need. A need not to be talked to.

It was a little more than a month after Yuki’s visit that science caught up with Midori and she took off a few layers. First, she’d started looking feverish. Then she’d been visibly trembling, much more than she had been when she’d felt cold. Finally, she’d almost collapsed, and from that point, had left it at one sweater and sworn off scarves altogether. One day, she came into my room and reached over the bed to open the window. Still, her demeanor was practically crying for me to not speak.

Or so I thought. And then,

"Winter will be over soon."

She didn’t leave the room immediately the way she normally did. She stood there, leaning over me, hands on the sill, surveying the cool white outdoors. Her expression, pained as it had been for a month, was visibly different. I felt like I was allowed to speak. And she’d said something. A whole sentence even. I almost didn’t know what to say.

"And then Spring, right?"

She shifted her weight back to her feet and stepped back. Nodded. Muttered,

"Spring is a season of changes."

"Midori-chan, you know, there’s still a bit of Winter left." I looked to the gray sky. "So please- let’s enjoy it while we can."

I turned my gaze to her and saw her eyes fixed on mine. She nodded thoughtfully, and then smiled. Smiled!

"Yeah!"

She spoke so energetically. It was hard enough to believe this, let alone that she’d been frighteningly depressed for weeks on end until this point. It made me feel happier, as if her lifted spirits were my own. I smiled as she left the room that day, and murmured "Midori…" to her retreating back. How and why things had gone downhill… how and why things had gone back uphill… those questions didn’t play in my mind at the time. I didn’t take even a moment to ponder those questions then, when it would have been so important to have done so. All I cared about were the facts.

After that, everything started to move so quickly, onee-chan. The next day we spent the whole day with eachother, just talking. I explained to her about the hospital, and my memory, and she looked concerned and so sympathetic. She’s so kind, onee-chan, so kind. I wish you could meet her. You’d make wonderful friends, I’m sure. She was so understanding- nodding, asking questions. I talked myself out, and then she sat by my side while I rested, just like in the early days of our friendship. Eventually I dozed off to the image of her sitting there, emitting joy.

The day after, I woke up to white sunlight streaming through the open window. Midori was at my side, a large paper bag on her lap, a larger smile on her face.

"Good morning, Akane-chan."

"Good morning," I replied. "What is that?"

"For you." She extended the bag. I took it, peeked inside. A dark wine-colored woolen sweater and a long navy blue skirt.

"For me? Why?"

"It wouldn’t be alright to go outside in just that thin white dress," Midori replied.

"I can’t go outside anyway," I said ruefully. "But thank you so much. They’re beautiful." They were, onee-chan. They really were. The weave was masterfully done, and they seemed warm. I couldn’t help- just for a brief moment- picturing you in them. Your hair and that sweater, it would have been perfect, onee-chan.

"The only limiting factor now is your bodily weakness, Akane-chan. Because you’ve been in bed all this time. We can get around that." She stood and exited the room. Before I knew it she was back, pushing a wheelchair before her.

"No way." I shook my head in disbelief.

"Today, Akane-chan makes her first memory of snow."

I pulled the sweater and skirt over my dress and Midori helped me into the wheelchair. She spun it around and we exited the room. We came to a halt before the front door. Unlike the door to my room, it was a western style door on hinges, with a deadbolt and a knob. Midori walked in front of me and opened the door, came back, and pushed me out into the white.

"Snow!" I cried gleefully as I was submerged into the outside world for the first time since my release from the hospital months earlier. Midori chuckled a little. I turned around to see her, in her brown fur coat that came down to her knees and her brown boots, her hair in a single, thick braid, her eyes closed, that beautiful smile etched upon her face. "This is it, right? Snow?"

"Yes, yes! It’s snow."

"Can I… touch it?" I asked tentatively.

"Sure," she said, kneeling down and scooping up a handful and holding it out. I gingerly felt it with one finger.

"Cold! It’s… freezing!"

"Yup, yup!" Midori sure was having fun, too. Positive energy seemed to be flowing from her. At this point, onee-chan, I had all but forgotten the last month’s behavior. Focusing on the now, the kindness and joy, was all there was for me. You taught me to do that, onee-chan. Thank you. "We got lucky, you know. The snow isn’t actively falling, but it’s fairly fresh. It gets a bit unpleasant after a few days of sitting in the mud."

I couldn’t imagine such a beautiful, pure thing ever being ugly. I realized that my mouth was hurting, that I’d been smiling widely this whole time. I chuckled, and then threw my head back.

"Snow!" I cried out. Suddenly Midori stopped laughing or moving, came to a halt right next to my wheelchair.

"You called?" A gentle male voice caused me to look up in shock, straight into Reo Yuki’s face.

"Yuki-kun!" I exclaimed, cheerfully. "How’re you doing?"

"Good to see you doing well, and outside," he responded. "It’s a relieving sight, to be honest. And you?"

"I’m fine, as you can see. It’s good to see you-" I stopped just as I remembered Midori shaking, saying that it was painful seeing me and Yuki together. and lowered my eyes. The blindingly bright snow seemed grayer than white. The doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Is something wrong?"

"Well…" I began, with little conviction in my tone of voice.

"Yes, there is!" Midori said suddenly. This shocked me, for previously she had not lashed out in Yuki’s presence.

"Oh, and what’s that, Miyuka-san?" the doctor questioned with a challenging tone.

"You disgust me. You with your doctor guise, changing the memories of vulernable, innocent women to make them think they’re your old girlfriends or whatever the hell! Is your degree there just so that you can take advantage of poor girls who have amnesia? ‘Remember the past’, sure! Force just anyone into a position where they can’t resist you, and then take them? Is that the kind of guy you are?"

"Stop it, Midori-chan," I said, softly. "I want to go back inside."

"Fine by me." She took the handles of the wheelchair and swiveled it around. As I was turning, I saw the expression on Yuki’s face. I saw tears and pain. His eyes were reaching out to me, as if he was trying to tell me something with them. But then the door slammed shut behind me and I was back in the Miyuka residence.

Back in the room, I lay under the covers in just the white dress again, Midori’s gifts folded and neatly put back into the bag. Midori sat at my side, sorrow written across her face. No. More than that. Regret. Remorse.

"I’m sorry," she said, to break the silence. "For saying such things."

Why is everyone in pain, onee-chan? It must be my fault, somehow. After all, it’s my fault you’re gone. I’m sure, if you were here, everything would be fine…

• 2.5 : Winter’s Child

We went out again a more than a few times since that day. On none of those occasions did I see Yuki, and Midori seemed happy on each outing. I found out what she had meant by snow becoming ugly. I found out a lot. We spent long hours talking, her explaining things to me. Slowly, I was imparted with some of the common knowledge I lacked. Slowly, we made up for those seven years, bit by bit. But there was one thing I couldn’t relearn, one thing I couldn’t reconstruct. My memories from before the hospital were still nonexistant. It was if my life before the hospital had never been lived. After all, a human’s telling of time and experience is based on the memories they have.

Midori didn’t seem disturbed nor burdened to discuss these things with me, on the contrary, she seemed really happy that there was something to talk about. And I was happy, because the cheerful mood had returned to the room in which I spent most of my time lying.

When we went outside now, we sometimes visited specific places such as restaurants and parks. Midori even took me to an aquarium via train once. Everywhere we went, there were people. It felt nice, but weird, to be in the midst of a crowd. So many interesting people to see. Some places we went, I received odd looks because of the wheelchair, and this only pushed me to try harder to walk. After a short while and a lot of hard work, I was able to walk the distance between my bed and the door of my room without tiring unnaturally. And after that, even further.

Winter was ending. Midori and I both knew this, but we said nothing. Soon there was no more white snow, only the muddy slush covered the streets and sidewalks. The sky through my window turned from white to gray, and rains came. Midori moved on to a new sketchbook, having filled her previous one. I now had an assortment of clothes, all courtesy of Midori, and actually got dressed to go out.

One day, when I no longer needed the wheelchair at all, Midori told me winter would end on the calendar in two days. She said that we should make the most of those last two days. I agreed, and so she left the room and I got dressed and came out, on my own. We went outside into the hazy gray of the seasons’ shift.

"Where would you like to go, Akane-chan?"

"Anywhere’s fine."

And so we walked around aimlessly for a while, turning where we wanted to turn, crossing some streets and avoiding others. We passed business men hurrying to appointments, children playing in front yards, stray dogs, parked cars of all varieties. It was in passing a happy looking group of children that my life took another twist.

One little boy, clad in overalls, a black sweater, and a cute black hat sporting a pair of cat ears looked up from his crouching playmate’s futile attempts to assemble a snowball from the slush and saw the two of us walking along. Midori and I paused, not because of this particular boy and his curious gaze, but because the antics of the children were refreshing to us. However, when we noticed the boy’s face, we couldn’t help but wonder why he was looking at us like that.

His friends sensed the shift in his attention and looked up to face the direction he was facing.

"What’s wrong, To-kun?" the girl, who couldn’t have been more than nine, asked.

"C’mon, c’mon, let’s keep playing!" the second boy, probably around nine as well, said with a hushed voice. It was then that the girl seemed to notice Midori for the first time, and gave her a hard look. Midori offered her one of her warmest smiles, and the girl instantly blushed. I would have giggled at the cuteness of the scene were it not for the fact that the first boy, To-kun, was staring straight at me, at me, into my face, his eyes wide, his mouth moving but no sound coming out.

After a few minutes, he stepped forward, directly onto the snowball in construction, then over it, ignoring the groans of protest that his two companions emitted.

"Is this real?" he questioned, slowly, as he moved towards me. As far as I could tell, he couldn’t have been older than ten. I was too caught up in observing him to realize he was addressing me, but after a nudge from Midori, I cleared my mind and addressed him in return.

"Excuse me, is what true?"

"Is that you?" he asked, as if in a trance, coming to a stop right in front of me.

"Have we met?" I responded as sweetly as possible. His actions were bewildering me, onee-chan. What could this boy be talking about? He grabbed my right hand with both of his small ones, stared at it. Looked up at me. Back and forth, between my hand and my face. "Um…"

"It’s true. You’re real."

"Of course I’m real," I said, laughing. What the child did next really caught me by surprise. He dropped my hand, then moved further forward in a flash and wrapped his arms around my waist- shoulder height for him- and nuzzled into my torso.

"You’re real. You’re here. You came back."

"Akane-chan, do you know this child?" Midori asked innocently.

"Of course she knows me!" the kid shouted defensively. Then he let go of me and skipped away, chanting "She’s back! She’s back!" He ran up the front of the small yard and disappeared into the house.

"Actually, I don’t," I said to Midori after he was out of earshot.

"You know, he bears a strong semblance to you," Midori said. "Could he be…"

"I don’t know." Suddenly I was afraid. What was this child’s connection to me? What if…

"Oh yeah?" Midori smiled wryly.

"Don’t joke around like that, please."

"Are you really Ukinare-san?" the little girl asked me. "To-kun has been talking about you for as long as I can remember!"

"I am Ukinare Akane, but I’m afraid I don’t know that boy-"

"Really?" interjected the other boy. "Tojuu talks about you all the time, just like Sa-chan said."

"Tojuu?"

"Yes, To-kun. Ukinare Tojuu. Ten years old," the girl said, "but he looks closer to seven."

"Ukinare? Well well, Akane-chan, perhaps the reason your memory is gone is… trauma?" Midori teased. I couldn’t answer. Ukinare… Tojuu-kun? "Well?"

"Ukinare oba-san lost her memory?" the boy present asked curiously.

"Yes, little one," my companion said sagely. "Nothing from before seven years ago, she remembers nothing from before seven years ago."

"My name isn’t little one!" the boy yelled heatedly. "It’s Kuro. Nine years old."

"Kuro-kun is touchy about his size, unlike To-kun," the girl explained.

"And you are?" Kuro asked.

"I’d like to know, too!" cried the girl.

"Miyuka Midori. I’m a mangaka, you might have seen my work in a monthly magazine."

"Miyuka-san," murmured the girl, clearly struck by Midori’s beauty. "I think I have."

I watched the whole scene in silence. Kuro-kun? Sa-chan? Ukinare Tojuu-kun?

"It’s good to make your acquaintances," Midori said to the children, flashing her smile once more. They nodded. "Hey, Akane-chan, what’s wrong?"

"… Ukinare… Tojuu-kun…" I muttered.

"Ah! I know!" the little girl cried. "You want to take MY To-kun away from me!" She squealed.

"Now now, Sa-chan, you shouldn’t say such things," Midori said soothingly. Kuro looked confused. I was too numb to react.

"…Ukinare… Tojuu-kun…" I repeated.

"She’s obsessed," Sa said worriedly. "I’m telling you, she’s taking MY To-ku-" she never finished her sentence. I don’t know what possessed me, but I moved over to her and slapped her right across the mouth. She began crying. I felt bad for hitting her but the feeling as hardly there. I was too -well, obsessed is an okay word- with this mystery.

"What did you do to Sa-chan?!" Kuro yelled at me, grimacing, as he put his arm around her shoulder and tried to comfort her. Surprisingly, Midori said nothing. I would have expected a person as nice as she was to reprimand me for hurting a child, but instead she just looked sad.

"Please leave Akane-chan alone." Her voice was low and steady. "You don’t know what she’s been through." Not like Midori did. No one did. Not even I.

Just then, the boy with the cat eared hat came skipping back. He noticed Sa holding her face and Kuro with his arm around her, and asked what was wrong. Kuro told him that I’d beaten Sa up. I don’t recall the exact words of the conversation as I was absorbed fully in observing Tojuu. I think Midori talked to them and tried to make them understand me. She’s really sweet when she tries, nothing like the scary depressed lady who had appeared after my first visit with Yuki.

"Akane-chan?" a surprised male voice came from behind the children me. "What’s wrong? You’re shaking."

Reo was standing in the doorway of the house, wearing his doctor’s garb and a concerned expression. I noticed for the first time the name on the plaque next to the door. Reo.

"See, oto-san?" Tojuu shouted ecstatically. "It’s her!"

My eyes widened. I looked back and forth, from Tojuu to Midori to Yuki. Yuki himself seemed surprised, his eyes set straight at me.

"Ukinare… Tojuu…" I muttered again, this time louder and directed at the doctor.

"A-akane…chan…" he stuttered, realization written across his face, as he dropped the clipboard in his hand. The metal head rang as it clattered onto the concrete sidewalk. Midori gasped, and I think I saw her running off before the world went black.

• 2.6 : Not Alone

I lay sprawled out on top of a neatly-made bed, its sheets tucked in perfectly. Dimming light filtered through a thin fabric curtain showed me that I was indeed the only one in the room. I looked about, and didn’t find much. A wardrobe. A night stand with a small digital alarm clock perched upon it. A closed sliding door, perhaps for a closet. Two more doors, both with knobs.

I got to my knees, noticing the warm sweater I was wearing.

Midori…

Something tickled my cheek, and I rubbed at it with the back of my hand. I took a peek and saw that my hand was glistening. Gingerly, I brushed the finger tips of my other hands against the wetness. Tears?

Midori…

Why did I feel so utterly abandoned? I flipped on the light, searching for whatever warmth its glow could offer. Now that the room was lighter, I noticed the tiny slip of paper next to the alarm clock. I hurriedly picked it up, numb fingers fumbling as I tried to unfold it.

"I think it would be better if we didn’t live together anymore."

Midori…

My hands went limp, losing hold of the paper. It settled onto the bed before me, and I just stared at in shock. I curled into a ball, falling onto my side as I lost balance. Facing the window, feet on pillows, I lay there, shivering.

Onee-chan… Midori…

Moving briefly, I shut off the light, then resumed my position lying down. One hand grabbed the slip of paper, clenched it tightly.

"Midori."

Midori!

"Midori." I’d never called her just Midori, had always used the -chan honorific. I had never spoken the name "midori" just like that. So why was it pouring out of me so naturally? Why was her name issuing forth from my lips again, and again, and again? "Midori. Midori. Midori."

Midori…

Onee-chan, where is she? Why isn’t she here? Why I am I here? Why aren’t I where I belong, at her place, at her side, witness to her smile, subject to her kindness? Onee-chan, why is it that I’m always, one way or another, left alone? Onee-chan…

Somehow, I fell asleep, and when I next woke, it was day. Light streamed in through my window, the curtain doing little to block it out. I don’t know if I would have woken up had not I heard that ring, and at the time I woke, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be awake. But I heard the ring, and looked for its source. Eventually I found it, a phone ringing in the drawer of the nightstand. I picked up the receiver and held it to the side of my head.

"Hello?" I asked, quietly.

"Ahh, that was a good number of rings, Akane-chan." Yuki. It was his voice.

"Mmm." A muted agreement.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Mmm."

"Didn’t think I would, it’s already eleven! Anyway, I wanted to know how you’re doing over there?"

I didn’t answer. How was I doing? I didn’t even know where I was. I missed Midori. I missed my quaint room with the pictures on the walls. I missed the stool, the sound of Midori sketching. Yes, I even missed Midori’s distress. Why was I here?

"Akane-chan? Should I call back some other time?"

"Mmm." ‘No’. It all depends on the tone. I didn’t feel like voicing words.

"Then can I visit you?"

"Mmm." A more ambiguous response. Whatever. Let him do as he wishes, I figured.

"Excellent. I’ll be right over."

"Mmm." Sure, whatever, goodbye. I hung up. Looked around. I should change, I think, I’ve been in these clothes for at least a day and a night already. I went over to the dresser and looked inside. All the clothes Midori had gotten for me were hung up inside. At least her presence wasn’t entirely gone.

I got into a long gray skirt that came to my ankles and a cream colored blouse, trying for something that was neither flashy nor too sombre. After changing I went over to the bed and sat down on its side. I had nothing to do, nothing to look at, no one to talk to. I suddenly wished for Yuki to be there immediately. I thought of calling him, but then realized I didn’t know his number and he might be on his way anyway.

Indeed, shortly thereafter another ring came, this time from the door. I went over to the door and opened it, and there was Yuki.

"Akane-chan! Good day," he said. "I hope you’re doing well."

"Come in," I said. "I’m afraid there are no chairs…"

"That’s fine. I can sit in seiza from time to time," he said with a hint of laughter in his voice. His glasses were missing and he was wearing a green dress shirt and jeans. They went really well together, but the green of his shirt reminded me once more of Midori’s absence and hurt. As he started to sit down on the ground, I stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"That’s no good," I said softly. "There." I indicated the bed.

"Thank you, Akane-chan." He sat down on the edge. I move around to the other side of the bed and sat in a similar position so that our backs faced eachother.

"Yuki-kun… where am I?"

"A hotel."

"How? Don’t hotels cost money?"

"Miyuka-san booked the room for an indefinite period of time. Don’t ask me." Midori!

"What happened… yesterday?"

"You fainted and Miyuka-san ran to fetch a friend’s car so she could take you away from the sidewalk. While you’re very light, I don’t think she can quite carry you with ease."

"What about the girl I hit? Is she alright?" In the aftermath, I felt bad about it.

"Sa-chan? She’ll live. If you hang out with children like Kuro-kun you get used to such things." Yuki was clearly trying to make pleasant conversation, trying to lighten the mood. But still, my questions and his answers evaded the topic of concern.

"Yuki-kun, I…"

"What?" he asked, softly, and I heard him turn on the bed, probably to face me.

"I was wondering, about that Tojuu-kun boy…" He placed a hand on my shoulder, turned me to face him. I looked into his eyes, which he closed upon seeing my gaze.

"It’s… exactly what it seemed like." The words I dreaded to hear. I wanted to hear that I’d misunderstood them, that the family names were off by a syllable, that maybe someone somewhere had mispoken. All that came crashing down.

"That means…" My voice quivered.

"Yeah."

"Dear god," I said, and slumped forward into Yuki. He caught me and encircled me with his arms, and held me, just held me. Onee-chan, it felt good to lie there in his grasp. It was strong and comforting. The feel of something supportive around me, of something alive and breathing… it’s like your smile, you know? All-encompassing, and warm, so very warm.

"Akane, is there anything else you want to know?" he said, breaking the silence after maybe half an hour.

"Mmm. How old are we?"

"We’re both twenty-seven. Same year in school." Twenty-seven?

"So I was seventeen when I had Tojuu, and twenty when I entered the hospital?"

"Yes."

"Thanks," I said.

"Akane, about all this-" Yuki began, but I stopped him with a finger to his lips.

"I wish you’d told me earlier."

"I didn’t know how," he sighed. I took a deep breath.

"I still need time."

"I understand."

"I’d like to get to know our son." I turned away from Yuki and looked out the window.

"He’ll visit." The bed creaked, and footsteps led away from the bed. Yuki was heading for the door.

"Yuki?"

"Yeah?" he asked, turning back from the exit.

"Thank you, and sorry." At my apology, he lowered his head, his bangs hiding his eyes. He turned, and began to close the door.

"Nothing’s your fault." The door slammed shut and I was alone again.

Many hours later, in the evening, the doorbell rang again. I answered, expecting Yuki to be back. Instead, Midori was there.

"Yo," she said with her big smile. I smiled in return, but could barely keep my tears from flowing.

"Midori!" I choked, and threw myself against her. She stroked my hair gently and kept murmuring about it being alright in a soothing tone. For the longest time, not knowing my age, I had assumed Midori to be older than I due to her ability to take care of me. Now, I knew I was four years older than her, yet still I was nuzzling into her being for warmth and comfort. Like I would with you, onee-chan

"Shh, Akane-chan…" She let go of me and placed her hands on my shoulders. Stepped back to create some room between us. Looked me up and down. "You look incredibly sad."

"I… I was so lonely when I woke up here," I said, beginning to spill everything out. "I felt like I needed you to be here, like I needed you far more than ever before! Why did you disappear?"

"Eh?" She was caught of guard by my question. "Um, well… well, Akane-chan, sensei explained the situation to me yesterday. I assume you’ll be living with your family shortly anyway-"

"No!" I hadn’t meant to cry it out so violently, but I did. "…no. No. Whatever the past may hold, they’re not my family. Maybe they will be in the future, but right now I’m alone. I don’t even know Yuki, nor Tojuu. The only person I can really say I know is you, Midori, and now I’m here, all alone, and you left-"

"Shh. You’re not alone. You said that you needed me?"

"Mmm."

"Please, never stop needing me, Akane-chan." At that moment, she tightened her grip on my shoulders- "When you’re in trouble," -she pulled my body towards her, stepped back- "I will certainly," -my balance went off kilter and I found myself falling into her- "catch you." I was no longer moving. I was solid in her arms, in an immensely strong embrace.

I collapsed completely into that embrace.

"Midori," I murmured into her chest, "stay here."

"I’m not going anywhere," she reassured me. "I’m right here." She clutched me tighter, and repeated, "I’m right here."

She led me over to the bed and laid me down.

"Midori?"

"Shh."

She sat down on the edge of the bed next to me and ran her fingers through a length of my hair. She bent down, her own darker hair forming a curtain, blocking out the faint moonlight coming through the window. The only light to be had was the faint glimmer of her eyes. Closer and closer she came, until I could feel her lips on my forehead.

"Spring’s here," Midori said. "Winter’s over." She pulled back, but stayed seated on the edge of the bed.

"Mmm." I closed my eyes snuggled against Midori’s side.

"Akane…"

I gave no response.

"Are you sleeping?" she asked. When I failed to reply once more, she began caressing me, stroking my head softly. "Akane… I love you."

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Chapter Select Part One: Nananen Part Two: Fuyu Part Three: Haru Part Four: Natsu Part Five: Aki

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