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The Unbearable Flak of Being

E/n: Flak here. Just dug this up from archives predating the Great Deletion.


Once upon a time, though not so long ago, and actually so very recent that it may very well be happening at this very moment, there lived a young man named Flak. Flak was once asked to appear on an episode of Star Trek as a guest star, but arrived only to discover that the show had been cancelled for decades. He still scratches his head about it.

The Unbearable Flak of Being

Gueststarring alarivana as Riva.

One inorganic afternoon, Flak awoke from a nap to find that life was a meaningless gaping void that consumed all pleasure and left only heartbreak. He shared this view with his mother, who only told him to stop being so emo. Realizing that no one understood his pain, Flak dressed in black, dyed his hair black, and attached numerous metallic protrusions to his black clothing. This made him feel all the more isolated from his facsist and cruel family who refused to show him love, which of course did not truly exist.

On his way to school the next day Flak encountered Riva, who inquired as to his new fashion and dour expression. Flak informed her that existance itself mocked his every waking moment, and that he could only find solace in the cold embrace of the underworld. Hearing these words bathed in the utterdark blood of tainted youth transformed Riva’s clothing black, her skin and hair ghostly pale, and gave her hideous dark-colored makeup. They then walked to school together speaking depressing haiku.

In his The King’s English class, Flak’s instructor asked him where his homework assignment was. Flak responded that the paper was shredded along with his soul, and the teacher died right then and there, his corpse turned into beatles immediately afterwards. As a result, school was cancelled for the day while exterminators with OCD were called in.

On his way home Flak attacked a tree with his heat vision, which had now become gray beams of death. The tree withered and died, but not before making a twenty-three minute speech on the futility of hope. Flak listened to every word while smoking a menthol cigarette.

Upon returning to his room Flak covered his windows with black construction paper and began writing down the depressing haiku he and Riva had created. After completing them, he flushed each of them down the toilet, knowing the world would never understand the darkness and bile that filled his heart.

It was when Flak had decided to delete all of his anime and replace it with episodes of Charmed and Angel that something strange began to happen. He felt an odd sensation of warmth from inside his head, a sensation that quickly grew into overwhelmingly painful burning. A red hole appeared in the side of Flak’s head, and from that hole jumped a goo-covered Flak. Flak commented how he finally had someone with which to share his sorrow, but the new Flak simply replied by suckerpunching Flak through the window, and then blasting him with heat vision until all that was left were unhappy cinders caught in the wind.

But before being reduced to charred nothingness Flak learned two important lessons. The first was that goth was rarely contagious, and never cool. The second was that no one delete Flak’s anime, not even Flak.

Riva on the other hand was listening to a CD by The Cure.

"The Unbearable Flak of Being" was posted by on Thursday, May 16th 2013. This post is categorized TAAOF and tagged .

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