The Changing of the Guard – Fourth Watch
I’m a bit sick, hence not getting this out the door at midnight. My notes might also be more rambly and less sensical than usual. Apologies in advance. In any event, enjoy the chapter! And if you don’t, tell me why! Be sure to read the chapter before the release notes if you hate spoilers. Cheers!
I don’t think I have much philosophy, ideology, or other crap in this chapter, so I’m not going to talk about any of that. Plenty room next chapter… trust me. Today I’m just going to discuss process and technical stuff.
This chapter brings us back to Liley. I remember that when I was writing this chapter, I was winging it. I still wasn’t sure where I was going with Liley, and I certainly wasn’t ready for her to up and leave the city. I also had many stopping points for the chapter. At first it was a shorty, ending when she exits through the Bay. Now it’s much longer, ending when dustfolk stun her with a barrage of blunt arrows.
Speaking of the blunt arrows—months before I started posting these chapters here, I bounced them off a group of three friends. They gave me lots of valuable feedback, but one thing in this chapter stumped all three of them. The blunt arrows! Each was confused. “How do arrows batter?” “Is Liley dead?” I tried my best to clarify the wording of the final sentences of this chapter: she is stunned by the impact, she is lying there conscious, etc. In all three cases, though, what it boiled down to was not knowing about blunt arrows. The moment I told my readers that blunt arrows, used for stunning targets, are a real thing, they were like “oh! This makes perfect sense.”
How do we write around this kind of predicament? My representation of the blunt arrows is spot-on—if you know what blunt arrows are. Three out of three readers didn’t know what they were, and were confused. I don’t want to confuse readers. But I also don’t want to be like, “Sidebar: Blunt Arrows?”
It’s a mystery to me, so maybe ya’ll can give me some insights in the comments.
Another bit of feedback I got that I don’t necessarily agree with is that I don’t need to present all these different gangs in this chapter. Liley is leaving, after all. I’m not sure that makes the info irrelevant, however. Even if we were never to see the city again (spoilers: we’re going to see the city again), my impression is that dropping some gang leaders’ names helps build a sense of character in the city. Also, realistically, we’re seeing the world through Liley’s eyes. And she’s definitely aware of which the main gangs are, and probably thinks of them either by name or by leader’s name. Do the details distract from the action?
Speaking of the action.
I tried to create a fairly decisive Liley in the second chapter, perhaps in contrast to Gregg’s perception of her as a “songbird” (this description is actually going to prove problematic in other ways moving forward, and might need retconning, but I’ll address it in the release notes when it’s relevant again). This chapter, we see her making more decisions, acting quickly, firmly. When she realizes she’s essentially on her own, she jumps onto the path of swiftest and safest violence and fights her way out of danger. Her disregard of the Watch with her in the alley is vindicated, I think, when she finds herself fighting ex-Watch turned Dusk Knights. She correctly assesses that everything has gone to hell and does her best to get out.
Is getting out wise?
It’s hard to say. Obviously, quick and firm decisions need not always be the best decisions, though Liley’s other options don’t seem particularly bright. She could cower in hiding until the fighting blows over and then try to join whichever side emerges victorious, but I don’t think she’s one to cower. She has reason to believe dustfolk live within walking distance of the city (like, within 20ish miles, as opposed to 200ish).
“Does Watch not see dustfolk from Shell?”
No. We know there haven’t been sightings in at least ten years.
“What about from the top of Citadel?”
No. We know there haven’t been sightings in at least ten years.
But that doesn’t mean the dustfolk are that far out. On level ground, we can see about 8 miles to a horizon on Earth. I haven’t done the math to see what kind of vantage outward-facing Watch would have from Shell, but no one’s really to say that the world of this story is a planet of Earth’s shape. It might even be a disc, or a tiny polyhedron. I’m not saying it IS any of these things, and we tend to assume that unless we’re told otherwise, a fictional world is identical to ours in most fundamental ways (laws of physics, etc.). Which is pretty accurate. I guess I’m just trying to rationalize around the issue of where the dustfolk live. Rather than ramble about it further, though, maybe I can just ask my readers for a sense of their feelings: did it bug you that Liley set out on foot for dustfolk that can’t be seen from the city?
Fun fact: this is the only chapter I’ve written so far (out of nine) that is this action-packed. It’s a clear change of pace from the internal worries of Gray, and very different from the content to come. I won’t say more for fear of spoilers, but I can assure you that it is atypical if you are not in the action-loving club.
Sometime, it might be fun to write a story that is structured around ‘combat encounters,’ but that time is not now. D&D fiction will wait. Heheh.
Oh! Though this chapter is centered around Liley, there are things going on in it that connect back to last chapter and Gray’s experience. You may recall Earl discussing opening the Bay. ;)
Alright. I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous again, so I’m gonna lie back down. I hope the notes were interesting, and that the chapter is fun. Please leave feedback, and enjoy! Cheers~
I found the action to be well paced, and the naming of gang leaders and their interactions to me only added to the experience of the read. It implied stories and lives beyond what we as the readers perceive, and I always find those interesting. It’s basically good world-building.
Liley deciding on going out to find Dustfolk seems like an enormous risk to me. Maybe if it was accentuated more thoroughly somewhere earlier on that she believes they live nearby, the decision might not come so much as a surprise. As it is it seems like an exceptionally desperate long shot. Even as it is, twenty miles is still a good full day’s walk, especially if you assume she has no direction or heading.
Knowing of the existence of blunt arrows, the last paragraph did not confuse me, but I can see how it might do so to others. The easiest way would evidently be to name them blunt arrows as you mention them. I doubt this would hamper the flow of the paragraph overtly much. Alternatively you could just skip past the issue and assume the players can fill in the blanks on their own. I’ve never had a lack of understanding of sailing or forging keep me from enjoying a more elaborate description of either.
This is great, helpful feedback. Thanks so much Saurus! Glad to hear your thoughts on all three of those things. For the second: if I include a detail like, “though Liley had never seen dustfolk herself, she knew that they’d once come to the Bay to trade,” and maybe if she KNOWS there’s an old road to follow, does it seem like less of a long shot?
Certainly! That would very much facilitate the understanding of her coming to that decision.
It might be hard to spot the differences if I ask you to glance back on the chapter, but if you find yourself with a spot of spare time it would be awesome if I could get a take-two on things. I changed up several key paragraphs relating to her knowledge/decisions/feelings, to make her escape more plausible. Thanks again for the feedback :)
A done deal! I reread it and applaud the changes made. I also had my brother read it, figuring more opinions is always better, and we concluded her reasoning missed a few more essentials.
At one point she says she could hide, but decides against it, worried that the winning side would not prove her kindly. This goes by the assumption that she must join a side at all. Could she not just discard her clothes and join the civilian masses? Is she too known? If she fears prosecution in any way when the battle is concluded, her desire to flee the city is much warranted. But this would mean she suspects something would point her out, and that she can make a reasonable assumption that whichever party wins has reasons to have her arrested or killed. Or, if not her specifically, then maybe all former members of Watch in general. If that’s the case, she might easily fear her former ‘brothers’ who’ve turned side might point her out.
As it stands it’s a shaky argument to base her decision on.
On the other hand, her second argument of another explosion is very solid. If she genuinely fears the city might explode as well, then all other reasons are null and void. But she makes this argument secondary to the one above. Rightfully so, I think, as it’s a threat so alien that it’s impossible to make any assumptions of, as she herself points out somewhere, so no argument there.
The mentioning of the blunt arrows was a good call, as my brother would have been confused by the lack of the term. He too would have assumed her dead or at least downed by actual arrows. But as it is now he fully understood the situation without effort.
A last nitpick was some confusion concerning the battering ram. My brother wondered how a carried battering ram managed to utterly shatter a blockade of furniture, which is essentially a big pile up, and can’t actually be rammed through. I have to agree. Only, the way I read it, I somehow automatically translated it to be a carriage being used to force their way through the blockade. Don’t know how I got that idea though.
Forgive me if I seem critical; I genuinely enjoy reading this! But I’d rather ask you these questions so you know where we as the readers are having trouble grasping the reasoning of the story.
Saurus!! Don’t apologize, this is soooo cool. I’m honored that you would bring your brother’s eyes to this as well. I also see that my comment nesting is a bit too extreme lol.
I will include a note that civilians don’t seem much safer – does that patch the logical gap in the first part of your comment? I’m glad that you understood the fear of further explosions to be secondary but still powerful.
Yeah blunt arrows: I just put the word ‘blunt’ in there, which feels a little dirty (because Liley wouldn’t notice that they’re blunt until after they’ve hit her), but will hopefully be Useful.
As for the battering ram, the blockade was supposed to be really shoddy, but I’ll take another look at that area and spruce it up.
Thanks again for all this, it’s totally absolutely amazing to get this kind of criticism.