Home >
Archives >
2008 >
December >
14
In Command – TOH Chapter 14
Post #1836 by Flak | Proceed to Story | Comments: 10Let’s see, it’s been a month since the last chapter, so that makes this… two weeks late? Yeesh.
Apologies for the long gap between chapters. I’ve spent a lot of time in the last month writing stuff that will likely never show its face on this website. ANYWAY. No, I didn’t forget about this :)
We’re back with more Tomora Ynthon, but mostly with more Intra Noi. This chapter does more for Intra’s character than Tomora’s, I think, though it advances the two stories approximately the same amount.
Brief, non-spoiler summary: see the “ironic” chapter title.
Umm… I don’t know what else to say here, so maybe I’ll ramble a bit about the story. I’m hoping to have some more action (*cough*in other words, some action*cough*) soon; I’m thinking of devoting an entire chapter to Tomora’s story soon (maybe next chapter). Section after section of conversation isn’t too good for pacing… actually, it might be. I just might be writing a totally different story from Jeuni’s right now (Jeuni’s story is punctuated by its violence).
Yeeeah I dunno. And I’m totally too tired to be writing these notes right now (9:30 PM on the 13th). And I’m not gonna feel like doing it in the morning. So I’ll just give up now. Go read the chapter.
A beautiful metaphor for the current state of Wikipedia.
@Karamazov: I’m not even going to pretend I get it :P
Nothing to get. I was just reminded of Wikipedia when Gramps reverted to his last version and made a bunch of edits.
… OH. Yeah. Hahahaha. Not intentional, but the similarity is there I suppose.
I quite liked it. I’m curious as to how Ynthon is going to attack the enemy empire, and I also want to know what happens to Jeld and Grandpa Snow! :D
@Alar: thanks for the feedback, though shouldn’t you be worrying more about Grandpa Snow and Grandson Snow than Jeld?
I really like the effect that’s created by the repeated invocation of Intra’s eyes, glasses, hands, desk. Poor Intra though… major senior moment there with the reversions.
The ambiguity in Intra and Jeld’s awkwardness is quite well done.
Huun seems quite an affable fellow. Too bad he won’t be around very long. Well, that too is Intra’s fault.
Jung is adapting quickly. :thumbsup:
Ynthon is an angry man. But that’s not news. So is his unit all refugees of various sorts? Or… Byrhate ‘acquisitions’ from war?
@spambot:
You catch on quickly. Welcome to Intra’s life. Welcome to Intra’s perspective on his own life. Yes, it’s grim.
You may be onto something there. All will be revealed in due time (so long as Jung survives for one year, of course!). I bet you can’t wait to hear Ynthon
pour his heart outtalk about his past.Thanks for the comment as always :)
this was a good chapter. the a-b-c structure was great for me. increased my sensation of wanting to keep reading (while reading).
two details i really liked: the part where intra has a dozen thoughts flash through his mind was strong. intra’s saying about an archeologist’s soul coming up in side a and c worked nicely for me, and couldn’t have worked without the a-b-c structure.
a few editorial suggestions:
chapter 14
side A
on line 24, i don’t like the word “uncloaking.” it’s not an exciting word, but my best suggestion up to now is “revealing.”
on line 55, “face to sky” instead of face to the sky is probably purposeful with aspirations of artistry, but i personally don’t feel it, so that’s one vote for “face to the sky.” In the same sentence, i would prefer the word “sensation” to feel (a little more interesting and specific), and i would consider dropping the words “blowing over it,” on the next line because they don’t add a lot of information, and they make the grammar a tad less straightforward.
side B
on line 39, i think you just left out the word hand in the phrase ” ran one through his mid-length brown hair…”
side C
on line 34, “the the stacks of paper” probably should be “the stacks of paper”
@trollbot: thanks for the feedback and helpful suggestions :)
“face to sky” was actually unintentional, so thanks for the catch there.
I hope you can keep enjoying TOH ^_^