‘light slumber’ sounds weird

Changed it to “light sleep.” Hopefully that’s not too bland.

a couple minutes before he notices the person standing there with a torch? and without her saying anything further until he yawns?

Changed that a bit.

parallelism problem in ‘workers were milling…’. would need “than they had been milling about with” rephrase recommended

I changed it to “than they had exhibited.” I think it works.

‘two men he’d sent’

Thanks for the catch.

It’s pretty interesting that, after two years in the military, this is Ynthon’s first chance to speak with someone candidly and learn the things he learns here from his new not-obviously-very-useful aide-de-camp.

And the reason for that may become apparent in later chapters.

SPOILER for anyone who hasn’t read Book 1 – “I’m not going to steal anyone’s voice” is ironic!

OMG REVERSE SPOILERS
By the way in case you didn’t read the chapter before this one, Intra and Jeld are archeologists! HAHAHA!! ;P

Glad you’re liking it so far. I hope I can continue to please.

EDIT: I also changed up a few things in Side C after getting some feedback from my bro D. Things are still more or less the same in terms of what happens. Just some sentences are a bit changed to better convey Intra’s state and feelings.

Too lazy to make these into complete sentences or bulleted lists or numbered lists. Also too lazy to enumerate all other potentially applicable organizational schemes that I am too lazy to deploy here.

‘light slumber’ sounds weird
a couple minutes before he notices the person standing there with a torch? and without her saying anything further until he yawns?
parallelism problem in ‘workers were milling…’. would need “than they had been milling about with” rephrase recommended
‘two men he’d sent’
the rest of side a, the exchange btwn Intra and Jeld, is very strong.
Ynthon’s anger hasn’t abated much from the previous chapter haha
It’s pretty interesting that, after two years in the military, this is Ynthon’s first chance to speak with someone candidly and learn the things he learns here from his new not-obviously-very-useful aide-de-camp.

SPOILER for anyone who hasn’t read Book 1 – “I’m not going to steal anyone’s voice” is ironic!

Very curious to learn more about how Ynthon has come to be leading the army of a country he hates on a campaign to burn his homeland to the ground.

Side C was nice. Jeld rules. All as expected, nicely executed. I liked how flustered Intra was at being crossed by Jeld, completely unable to respond coherently to a situation he had never faced or imagined before.

Hey, he himself is speaking, right? He clearly has not yet become what he is in Jeuni’s story.

That would tear me up.

As to Ynthon, I’m still intrigued. All your hinting at him not stealing anyone’s voice to get his job done is making me snicker.

I would have voted Intra for AC Transit Director-at-Large. He’d be even better than the crotchety old person I actually voted for.

Funniest. Thing. I’ve read. This week.