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11/16/08 Dreams Come True - TOH Chapter 13

By Flak | Proceed to Story | Comments: 13

This is a week late. Next chapter will also probably be a week late. I’m just going to set a schedule of one chapter every two weeks. That might solve all my timing problems.

Welcome back to Tundra of Heroes. Here’s another chapter in the stories of Intra Noi and Tomora Ynthon. “Hey Flak,” you might ask, “the story’s developing so slowly!” Well, it took four chapters for Jeuni’s story to really get going, and here we’re progressing at half speed (since each chapter is split between two stories). Yeah, things are kind of slow. But there’s still a lot going on ;)

I’d love to get more feedback (pickings were slim last chapter, unfortunately). It’d really help me with this.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. Future chapters may have more accompanying notes. Once things get going.

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  1. 12/14/08 In Command - TOH Chapter 14 :: Dreams of the Quill v5

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  1. “they no doubt had done equally insane things.”

    perhaps “they no doubt had committed equally insane acts” or “approved equally insane ideas”? ‘Things’ is a bit of a letdown.

    Keep it coming. Tomora’s a good character, and I enjoyed Side C as well.

    Karamazov — 11/16/08 @ 3:18 pm | #Link | Reply

  2. I like “approved equally insane ideas.” Sorry for the “things” ;)

    Glad you’re liking Tomora. I hope that once Tyff’s on screen, Intra’s story will become more interesting, too.

    Flak — 11/16/08 @ 9:28 pm | #Link | Reply

  3. I would have voted Intra for AC Transit Director-at-Large. He’d be even better than the crotchety old person I actually voted for.

    Karamazov — 11/16/08 @ 10:51 pm | #Link | Reply

  4. I would have voted Intra for AC Transit Director-at-Large. He’d be even better than the crotchety old person I actually voted for.

    Funniest. Thing. I’ve read. This week.

    Flak — 11/17/08 @ 6:42 am | #Link | Reply

  5. Ahahaha. Wow. I feel sorry for Grandpa Snow now. I can’t imagine what it would feel like, knowing it’s near the end of your life and your life’s work, and that a fresh set of amazing discoveries has been found! …and your people aren’t letting you come.

    That would tear me up.

    As to Ynthon, I’m still intrigued. All your hinting at him not stealing anyone’s voice to get his job done is making me snicker.

    Alar — 11/18/08 @ 1:51 pm | #Link | Reply

  6. re:Ynthon, snickering

    Hey, he himself is speaking, right? He clearly has not yet become what he is in Jeuni’s story.

    Flak — 11/18/08 @ 1:53 pm | #Link | Reply

  7. well, honestly speaking. ur #4 is the only one that’s actually “passable” if graded strictly. Even so, she doesn’t look like a girl, more like a guy with longer hair.

    TheNewHorde — 11/21/08 @ 12:08 pm | #Link | Reply

  8. above is wrong comment in wrong area.

    TheNewHorde — 11/21/08 @ 12:09 pm | #Link | Reply

  9. Want me to delete the off-topic comments? :P

    Flak — 11/21/08 @ 2:16 pm | #Link | Reply

  10. Scheduling a release every two weeks might solve your timing problems… if your goal is to release once every three weeks.

    spambot — 11/22/08 @ 8:54 am | #Link | Reply

  11. Man what an ironic chapter title. ‘Seldom do we see, said young Solomon Don Dunce, half an heroic pun in Flak’s chapter titles.’

    Too lazy to make these into complete sentences or bulleted lists or numbered lists. Also too lazy to enumerate all other potentially applicable organizational schemes that I am too lazy to deploy here.

    ‘light slumber’ sounds weird
    a couple minutes before he notices the person standing there with a torch? and without her saying anything further until he yawns?
    parallelism problem in ‘workers were milling…’. would need “than they had been milling about with” rephrase recommended
    ‘two men he’d sent’
    the rest of side a, the exchange btwn Intra and Jeld, is very strong.
    Ynthon’s anger hasn’t abated much from the previous chapter haha
    It’s pretty interesting that, after two years in the military, this is Ynthon’s first chance to speak with someone candidly and learn the things he learns here from his new not-obviously-very-useful aide-de-camp.

    SPOILER for anyone who hasn’t read Book 1 - “I’m not going to steal anyone’s voice” is ironic!

    Very curious to learn more about how Ynthon has come to be leading the army of a country he hates on a campaign to burn his homeland to the ground.

    Side C was nice. Jeld rules. All as expected, nicely executed. I liked how flustered Intra was at being crossed by Jeld, completely unable to respond coherently to a situation he had never faced or imagined before.

    spambot — 11/26/08 @ 11:44 pm | #Link | Reply

  12. ‘light slumber’ sounds weird

    Changed it to “light sleep.” Hopefully that’s not too bland.

    a couple minutes before he notices the person standing there with a torch? and without her saying anything further until he yawns?

    Changed that a bit.

    parallelism problem in ‘workers were milling…’. would need “than they had been milling about with” rephrase recommended

    I changed it to “than they had exhibited.” I think it works.

    ‘two men he’d sent’

    Thanks for the catch.

    It’s pretty interesting that, after two years in the military, this is Ynthon’s first chance to speak with someone candidly and learn the things he learns here from his new not-obviously-very-useful aide-de-camp.

    And the reason for that may become apparent in later chapters.

    SPOILER for anyone who hasn’t read Book 1 - “I’m not going to steal anyone’s voice” is ironic!

    OMG REVERSE SPOILERS
    By the way in case you didn’t read the chapter before this one, Intra and Jeld are archeologists! HAHAHA!! ;P

    Glad you’re liking it so far. I hope I can continue to please.

    EDIT: I also changed up a few things in Side C after getting some feedback from my bro D. Things are still more or less the same in terms of what happens. Just some sentences are a bit changed to better convey Intra’s state and feelings.

    Flak — 11/30/08 @ 12:08 pm | #Link | Reply

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