Dreams of the Quill

It’s been something like a month since we had blogging homework.

1 Samuel 21. David stops sucking.

David asks a whole two questions in this chapter out of a lot of dialogue, neither of them in the vein of his usual condescending rhetorical questions. He says things—even lying—in order to present information to others, rather than asking questions and letting people come to their own conclusions. Perhaps this is a sign of how desperate he is to get away. He doesn’t have the composure to calmly question others.

He also doesn’t have his wits about him… at least, as far as others can tell once he’s in Philistine territory and foaming at the mouth.

Also, taking Goliath’s sword => sign of him growing up? Little boy David who couldn’t walk in Saul’s armor probably wouldn’t have been able to lift Goliath’s sword.

1 Samuel 22. Merry men.

David hides in a cave and four hundred people came to him and he formed a small band of outlaws. Sweetness. Unfortunately for them, their leader—David—is the cause for Saul being a total moron in the latter part of this chapter, where he orders the massacre of all the priests who helped David escape.

Also, judging by Saul’s words to his followers (”Listen, men of Benjamin!”, etc.) he practiced some pretty severe nepotism. That’s just not cool.

In the end, David effectively promises protection to people who stick with him. If that’s not declaring yourself an autocrat, I don’ t know what is.

1 Samuel 23. David shows initiative and needs no link.

He’s like the bluetooth headset to God’s iPhone or some equally retarded analogy. Basically he doesn’t need Samuel the way Saul did. He asks God stuff and God answers and everything’s groovy.

Also, wow, God’s a useful friend to have.

“God, will this stock go up?”

“It will.”

etc.

David’s men now number 600 instead of 400. That’s quite a crowd.

Jonathan and David make another covenant. Clever. Also, note how they DID MEET AGAIN. As expected!! All that crying and emotional crap was completely unnecessary. *insert sexist remark here*

This whole chase scene is pretty ludicrous. Saul has lots of dudes, he could technically surround whatever stronghold David is at—from a great distance—and close in, leaving no room for David to run. That would force a confrontation sooner rather than later and trim a couple of boring chapters off the Bible. ‘course that would just be one drop in a pond, but…

1 Samuel 24. David hits a local minimum of suckiness; suckiness’ becomes positive.

“He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself.” (1S24:3)

First the dirt comes out and now this. Why the bathroom-ing? No interesting fiction novels I’ve read before had any mention of defecation or urination… I guess the trend hasn’t been broken.

David became “conscience-stricken” ! Hurrah!! He’s sucking less and less these days. Now all he needs to do is open a law firm or something. Oh. I spoke too soon. With David and Saul interacting once more, David’s shining as a question-asking bastard once more. T_T

At least it seems like the conflict is resolved…

1 Samuel 25. God strikes people who disrespect.

Samuel dies? But isn’t there a whole another book about him? Quoi?

Resupplying is important for outlaws. Sucks when the person you’re dealing with doesn’t give two hoots about you and would be just as happy letting you starve! Actually, I support Nabal’s position. The supplies in question were obtained via his hard work (or at least that of his servants/slaves) and so should belong to him. Sharing is caring, and caring is losing the game.

IMPORTANT: Abigail doesn’t fart upon getting off her donkey.

David is +1wife. In the meantime, he has also gained another one, so he’s at 1-1+1+1=2. I BUY MATH, etc. etc.