Comments on: Grass http://dotq.org/2008/02/24/grass dotq v5 :: Walking Slowly Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:23:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: Owen S http://dotq.org/2008/02/24/grass/comment-page-1#comment-113905 Owen S Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:07:45 +0000 http://dotq.org/archive/716#comment-113905 My pleasure. Let me know when you've done the touching up. My pleasure. Let me know when you’ve done the touching up.

]]> By: Flak http://dotq.org/2008/02/24/grass/comment-page-1#comment-113895 Flak Tue, 26 Feb 2008 14:41:30 +0000 http://dotq.org/archive/716#comment-113895 Hmm, I get what you're saying. I'll touch it up one more time, this time narrowing in on that specific part. Hopefully it'll 'do the entire paragraph justice' when I turn those two sentences into epic angsty paragraphs of their own XD   Thanks as always for the comments, Owen. Hmm, I get what you’re saying. I’ll touch it up one more time, this time narrowing in on that specific part. Hopefully it’ll ‘do the entire paragraph justice’ when I turn those two sentences into epic angsty paragraphs of their own XD
 
Thanks as always for the comments, Owen.

]]> By: Owen S http://dotq.org/2008/02/24/grass/comment-page-1#comment-113873 Owen S Tue, 26 Feb 2008 11:42:36 +0000 http://dotq.org/archive/716#comment-113873 Haha, oh wow. I saw this a couple of days back when you posted it but didn't want to read it in a hurry. Now that I've gotten down to reading it seriously, here's my thoughts: The sentence "For some reason I"d grown distant (...)and they weren"t even that smart—" could do with a lot more elaboration to do the entire paragraph justice. "notes and food packed in saran wrap and paper bags" tells me something, but what do phrases like "distant" and "patronizing" do for me? Absolutely nothing. So those two sentences felt like summarised filler in what could've been two epic paragraphs. You've seen Byousoku 5cm and Beyond the Clouds -- think of the epic monologues the protagonists have when they realise how ronery they are in the wide gloomy expanse of the cityscape. I felt that the sentence had potential, yet you made it into obligatory backstory as if to gloss it over. The rest of the story has a solid narrative voice, a lot of character, something like an parallel world Shinji who's cynical and world-weary with all of the shortsightedness of a angst-filled teen. The contrast of the depth of existential insight and the shallowness of his actions in excavating the sidewalk. Style reminded me of Louis Sachar just a little. 85/100. Haha, oh wow. I saw this a couple of days back when you posted it but didn’t want to read it in a hurry. Now that I’ve gotten down to reading it seriously, here’s my thoughts:

The sentence “For some reason I"d grown distant (…)and they weren"t even that smart—” could do with a lot more elaboration to do the entire paragraph justice. “notes and food packed in saran wrap and paper bags” tells me something, but what do phrases like “distant” and “patronizing” do for me? Absolutely nothing.

So those two sentences felt like summarised filler in what could’ve been two epic paragraphs. You’ve seen Byousoku 5cm and Beyond the Clouds — think of the epic monologues the protagonists have when they realise how ronery they are in the wide gloomy expanse of the cityscape. I felt that the sentence had potential, yet you made it into obligatory backstory as if to gloss it over.

The rest of the story has a solid narrative voice, a lot of character, something like an parallel world Shinji who’s cynical and world-weary with all of the shortsightedness of a angst-filled teen. The contrast of the depth of existential insight and the shallowness of his actions in excavating the sidewalk. Style reminded me of Louis Sachar just a little. 85/100.

]]>