Comments on: Moving Up

By: Flak

Flak — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:03:31 +0000

>>I refuse to regard this story as complete.

Alright, alright! I’ll work in the orchestra when I touch the story up :P

>>Also, your dialog isn"t natural-sounding in a couple places

Duly noted; I’ll look at that when revising the story.

>>It"s interesting to watch you bounce ideas off the inside of your mind, but strange to contrast this with reality… It is fairly enjoyable to read, too.

Well, clearly this isn’t meant to accurately depict the reality of graduation from our school. But yeah, there is clearly a connection—of course the idea for this story is in part related to me thinking about our upcoming graduation. And… ‘fairly enjoyable to read, too?’ One or both of us has changed quite a bit.

By: Riva

Riva — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 05:52:11 +0000

You didn’t mention the Orchestra. There is always an Orchestra. Or at least a poorly-recorded overly cheesy version of Pomp and Circumstance. I refuse to regard this story as complete.

Also, your dialog isn’t natural-sounding in a couple places; ‘and shivering a bit,’ doesn’t sound like something anyone would say. I think it’s the ‘a bit’ part.

It’s interesting to watch you bounce ideas off the inside of your mind, but strange to contrast this with reality… It is fairly enjoyable to read, too.

By: Flak

Flak — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:42:37 +0000

Wow, thanks Owen. I never expected to see this kind of comment from you. I’ll get to touching this up soon.

By: Owen S

Owen S — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 02:37:20 +0000

Nice, albeit in need of further polishing in some parts. Too lazy to point them all out, but use of more show than tell would be better. For example, this sentence is weak:

“a third friend interjected, trying to raise the party spirit, and then the four of us headed off campus to the nearest pizza place.”

We know it’s an interjection. “Said” is adequate. “Trying to raise the party spirit” is redundant given how we know the statement does raise the spirit a bit, if any. “and then the four of us headed off campus to the nearest pizza place” feels tacked on, and could do with a better segue into the next paragraph.

I was into creative writing before I started anime blogging, just so you know. (;