Dreams of the Quill

A bit of history for those not acquainted with my life story, and then we can get to the meat of this post:

Let’s start with the obvious: I like writing. And now the bragging: I wrote a lot between the ages of nine and fifteen. And here’s panel five, the despair: Then, in November 2005, my computer’s hard drive crashed and I, being too dumb to keep foolproof backups, lost some couple hundred pages of stories. Needless to say, I was devastated. I labeled the month “shit” because of what happened. I didn’t get over the loss until late 2006, once I’d made some good progress on the Hunter Chronicles rewrite.

Then, on the fourth of November 2006, after an embarrassingly vexing argument with my father, I told one of my better friends something I shouldn’t have. I regretted it all that month, and much of the next few. It was one of the dumber things I’ve done in my life, and I’m saying this looking back on a childhood of utter crapitude on my part. Looking back now, it was the right thing to say and it was not said a moment too soon (in fact, more than half a year too late) but still, saying it made November shit.

Add to this Thanksgiving, one of the most depressing days of my year, and I’ve got myself a month that’s clearly all terrible, all the time. So, I’ve got a fear of Novembers. Embarrassing, and dumb, but it’s true.

Now, compared to last year, this school year has been kind of crappy (for reasons detailed elsewhere on DotQ, reasons I don’t want to get into). As September wore on, I realized that the shortening days of November combined with my no longer interesting school life were going to make me super depressed. I was HD-crash-proof with multiple backups of everything of value, I had already said what I’d said to my friend, but how could I know that there was nothing else to go horribly, horribly wrong? And besides, the month could just suck passively. And there’s always Thanksgiving.

This year, I didn’t want to “not get emo”—I wanted to win. I wanted to beat November. I wanted to bury it so it could never rise again. I told myself I would finish Tundra of Heroes by years’ end, figuring that if I stuck to a release/week schedule throughout November I would be drowning myself in fun work, thereby alleviating any depression.

That turned out great, though I think I only released one chapter of ToH in November. It’s still on schedule for December 31st, just… I’ve been doing other things in the interim. Like, art. And comics (art). And Farewell to Gauntlet (’creator’ textual art, lol). So though ToH is only one chapter further in November, I’ve still accomplished my goal of posting at least one update a week. And in addition to that, I’ve been busily making additional posts (like my one about ads, or extra art updates). I’d say the site’s doing well, despite the forums being inactive. Though, it should be noted that this was the busiest November DotQ’s forums have ever seen (another victory).

So everything was just as planned, and the only remaining question is: did it work?

Did November 2007 not suck?

No, it sucked.
It sucked.

It was still November. The days still got shorter. School still sucked. College apps (a new thing this year, and hopefully a last) were a drag. Thanksgiving still happened.

Did November 2007 suck less than previous Novembers?

Definitely.
I got things done. I felt good about what I got done. My employer (I keep meaning to post about my new job!! Someone, please remind me via comment on some day that I don’t make a main site post!!) is delighted with the work I’m doing, which is in and of itself the best reward I could ask for my time (much better than the good pay).

I finished my college apps, which I feel good about now that they’re over. I got back my SAT retake scores, leaps and bounds better than my last sitting. I’m doing well in all my classes (except Beginning Drawing—I have a B+ there), including Calculus which is weird because I suck at math. While my school life is boring, my classes are kind of fun, and rewarding, too. I like most of my teachers. No, I like all of my teachers. Even my Beginning Drawing teacher.

As I leave November, I find myself swamped in homework that wants to keep me from doing any writing. I may need post tomorrow with the excuses tag, saying that I did not have time to finish Farewell to Gauntlet v0.3. That’s only partially the fault of my homework; Alar had some part in my nonproductiveness in the last 24 hours. He gave me reading material. Very good reading material.

Anyway… I’m kind of rambling now. We went from history to explanation to results and then I went off into a world of “the present” (something I refuse to believe in! Half the time!).

I guess I’ll leave off with some words about the future.

I don’t need to beat November 2008. I’ve won my victory. “V!” And all of that. I like to think that my life is just going to rock more and more from here on out, but really, I’m not too optimistic. November 2008 might suck, but I’m not going to try to beat it. Like I said, I won. That’s enough. I can’t focus on things like single months because that feeds my internalized superstition. I just need to do my best, all the time. And that’s where a resolution comes into play.

A resolution to never think of myself as a piece of shit, ever again.

And I don’t mean that in the sense of “I must love myself unconditionally,” but rather “I must never be a piece of shit, ever again.” I’m going to tell more people more things. I’m going to stop calling myself emo. I’m going to stop brooding silently. I’m going to love all walks of weather. I’m going to drink 1% milk. I’m going to write more.

I’m going to write more.
Because while one of the people I love runs, the other writes.

I would normally say something like, “I’m stupid like that,” but I don’t think I will, now. V!