This is seriously my favorite piece of writing that I have read of yours. I love lots of the stuff you write, but this takes the cake (sorry about the poor euphemism) anyhow, I would like to discuss the piece in detail.

I hope you can forgive me for the assumptions I make in the critique, but please understand that they are just as much important to the critique as the critique itself. The assumptions are based on the feelings I got from the writing and are hence just as clear demonstration of what I get from the piece.

Right from the beginning, I felt connected to the writing. The first line says so much about you and the rest of the piece that I find it impossible to not consider the writer as someone other than a person. ItǃÙs almost as if the words themselves are communicating for you. ItǃÙs like you put emotions onto paper. I immediately seem to take that first line ǃ?Every day is the same, and itǃÙs a dreamǃ? and consider it a part of my own life. I felt quite sad when you wrote that ǃ?Yet, from time to time, I feel alive.ǃ? Strangely, I felt betrayed by the writer. As if he already destroyed the story I had built around the first two lines. IǃÙm a certainly not saying that in a bad way, but rather that your first two lines are so good that the reader naturally creates his own story around those initial sentences. The third line, to me, screams: ǃ?HEY, this is my story, so shut up and listen.ǃ? Strangely, it says it nicely. Almost as if I apologized for interrupting. Anyhow, those 3 sentences are pure gold, both in their structure and their content.
You then go into that fluid though where you refer to the loneliness you ǃ?the narratorǃ? experiences. I find the repetition quite effective, but I personally wouldnǃÙt have used those particular examples, especially the super market one: ǃ?There is no person manning the cash register in the super market.ǃ? It doesnǃÙt seem to fit with the depth of though the rest of the piece is at. Super markets are lame and superficial; the entire piece is brilliant and sincere. It just donǃÙt match upǃ?

However, the super market is quickly forgotten when you write this superb line, one that IǃÙm seriously considering using whenever I need to break up with someone: ǃ?I saw a world of grays. What you saw- if anything- was not a world at all.ǃ? For me, the entire story is based on this line right here. This though, this emotion is where the rest of the piece grows from. The tone is critical and judgmental, yet apologetic. Almost as if you were sorry for not realizing that earlier. The entire thing could be written in Croat for all I cared, as long as I could read this line, it would still be just as good. That line is a perfect expression of my feelings towards my mother. At the same time, I donǃÙt associate the emotion that the line carries with anything in particular; itǃÙs kind of just another way of looking at things. I suppose that if all breakups had to be put into one sentence, this would be it. I mean, itǃÙs such a universal feeling that youǃÙve been able to make so personal for each reader. As if it was written just for me. I suppose thatǃÙs where the brilliance of the entire piece lays, in the connection you create with the reader.

I was, I must say slightly disappointed with the following paragraph. I understand what youǃÙre trying to do, and itǃÙs very effective, but not only is the flow not quite smooth, but compared to the previous line, nothing seems very good. I suppose LincolnǃÙs speeches wouldnǃÙt seem the same after that line. Anyhow, I enjoyed the chronology and the familiarity that was created with that monotonous voice associated with school. It seems like itǃÙs not really happening, like a dream (which is what it is supposed to be, for me at least.)

ǃ?You counted the cracks in the pavement. I counted the seconds.ǃ? This line makes me consider my role in my relationships and where the differences arose between me and the girl I wanted to make my girlfriend. It is quite corny to think that cracks and seconds could be a good summary of a relationship, but the symbolism is quite strong and both sentences reveal so much about both you and the girl youǃÙre with. The differences between me and her can certainly be described as me counting the cracks, hopping only not to trip while she counted the seconds until she could go home. The way you write it, you clearly make the distinction in character the two people have and the incompatibility that is present, but at the same time, you arenǃÙt advocating that neither one of you was doing the right thing.

The rest of the story is excellent, but, for the sake of time and space I am skipping to the end. This is not because nothing happens in the middle, or because it sucks, but because the two extreme of the story are so compelling to talk about. ǃ?And I ask myself why- why didnǃÙt I listen to your farewell?ǃ? Okay, this is the only part that I feel isnǃÙt in line with the story. You speak of the farewell as something almost sacred. I understand that you donǃÙt ǃ?knowǃ? the farewell; you didnǃÙt ǃ?hearǃ? it. Hear is in quotes because I do believe that you are referring to a farewell much deeper then the words. I do think however, that you should include the physical words of her farewell. If it were me (it isnǃÙt, but what the fuck, here I go), I would have rewritten the last line to become the last two lines:

ǃ?
So why- why, damn it, why- did I not want to hear the last words to escape your lips?

So why- why, damn it, why- did I not want to hear your last good-bye?
ǃ?

I feel like writing the words creates a strong sense of attachment to the girl and expresses your frustration with yourself. (I assumed the last words were good bye.) I understand the value of not saying the words, but I feel like saying them greatly increases the strength of the last emotion the reader feels. Like a final blow.

P.S.: I sense a strong sense of femininity in the person you describe. Although you write it in such a way that is non descriptive of sex, I believe that no such emotional writing can arise from thin air. Certainly, the emotion behind the writing is true, to some extent to you. ItǃÙs symbolic at the most and abstract at the least, but itǃÙs definitely meaningful.

Sincerely,

Sam

I’m a sucker for syntactic and metaphoric stylization, and DAMN if that wasn’t amazing on those fronts. Well done, Flak. Very well done indeed.

~Duk