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8/27/06 From Tahoe - HC Chapter 06

By Flak | Proceed to Story | Comments: 11

Well, I managed to grab wireless from right outside a small motel in South Lake Tahoe (not the one I’m staying at…) and figured that I might as well post the next chapter, since I’d written it on schedule and everything.

There’s not much more to say. I’ll have some photos of Tahoe up by some time Tuesday at the latest, and I’ll be caught up goings-on at this site (and others?) by evening tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Read the Chapter
CoM | Previous: Picture-perfect Catch-up - HC 05
Next: Four Weeks Later, Revival - HC 07

Part 1: Gem
 Part 2: Mist
 Part 3: Julien


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  1. “Pyrim had come in with the tea as if he’d known it was just what Gem was in need of.”

    Sentences generally shouldn’t end in ‘of’, but switching it is very convoluted. The simple thing would be to use ‘needed’ instead of ‘was in need of.’ Just something to think about.

    Riva — 8/28/06 @ 7:11 am | #Link | Reply

  2. Hmm, ok. I was not aware of a such generality.

    Flak — 8/28/06 @ 7:25 am | #Link | Reply

  3. I’ve always associated that particular complaint with anal-retentive grammar teachers, along with ‘no sentences ending in a preposition’ and consider it pointless as long as the sentence is understandable.

    “There are some things up with which I will not put.” is a Churchill, I think.

    Karamazov — 8/28/06 @ 12:27 pm | #Link | Reply

  4. And by the way, a new place has appeared in Chapter Six called Verga Clty

    Karamazov — 8/28/06 @ 12:41 pm | #Link | Reply

  5. Thanks for the caps-typo catch, Myles.

    Flak — 8/28/06 @ 9:23 pm | #Link | Reply

  6. It’s really good. Two things I’d suggest would be a quick edit (by someone not used to your writing) and some more character description. For example, why bounty hunter? Who is this Lont? What do Ohn and Pyrim look like, aside from the green hair? You know… Some details! I know you’re good at them! :D

    Another confusing thing: ‘…he excused himself and headed back to his room, thinking that he’d have plenty of time to rest and recuperate for the next two weeks.’

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 6:41 pm | #Link | Reply

  7. Gah… I got cut off. That last sentence is confusing because wasn’t he talking to Pyrim IN his room? If so, why would he leave to head back to it?

    That is all :]

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 6:42 pm | #Link | Reply

  8. Was talking to Pyrim in Pyrim’s room. Unimportant characters who die don’t deserve in-depth character descriptions.

    Flak — 12/30/06 @ 6:56 pm | #Link | Reply

  9. I agree with that… But sometimes the description’s so lacking that I can’t TELL that the characters are unimportant. I do like your writing, but I often get confused. You can choose to mind or ignore me, it only makes as much difference as you are willing to believe it does.

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 9:36 pm | #Link | Reply

  10. Hmm. I liked this chapter. Only a few specific recommendations come to mind.

    “The room was dark save for the dying glow of the almost-empty oil lamp in the corner.”

    In this sentence, I don’t think you need “almost-empty”; the oil lamp’s lack of oil is implied by “dying,” as far as I can tell.

    “No fires remained lit, and the intensity of last night’s glow had been replaced with various shades of brown and gray. Gray. Gray. Gray.”

    I don’t mind the emphasis on grayness, but I do think that the repetition of the word gray is a little excessive. Given the content of the next sentence, I think it best just to end the paragraph with the phrase “of brown and gray.” That’s just my opinion, though.

    The final specific thought I had concerns a line from Gem.

    ǃ?I guess it would be hard for me to put into words how alien this feeling is to me, this feeling of being accepted somewhere.”

    I was a little surprised at how frank he is being here. I guess I expected him to express that feeling in his mind and not in dialogue. However, I should be clear: if that’s how his character is, that’s how his character is. My surprise doesn’t mean you’re being inconsistent. It just means that Gem is more forthcoming about his emotions than most guys. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Overall, I thought it was a good chapter. I think you did an especially good job with the excerpt from the old book (the wording of the paragraph made it feel old fashioned) and with the Architect’s lines. The story continues to develop in an interesting way.

    Inquisitor — 7/12/07 @ 10:17 pm | #Link | Reply

  11. Weird, I remembered making the changes you suggested, but they weren’t on this page… I went back to my file, and, sure enough, I had made them. This page is now updated. … weird. @_@

    Flak — 7/29/07 @ 8:48 am | #Link | Reply

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