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8/20/06 Picture-perfect Catch-up - HC 05

By Flak | Proceed to Story | Comments: 7

After being eleven days late on the last one, I present you with one right on schedule- in other words, two chapters within one week!

This catches me up to the regular Sunday release schedule (though we seem to have lost a chapter along the way- Chapter Four was eleven days late, not four…) and presents you with a brand-spankin’ new chunk of reading.

Not much to say about this today’s release… not even any of my usual spoileriffic notes. This is all-new content (before, I just jumped from Mana Palace to antyliken) which I use to develop a little bit of the backstory, show how much the characters now, how they interact with eachother, etc. It’s a wee bit shorter, pixel-height-wise, but there’s less dialogue than previous chapters, so it should all balance out. Enjoy!

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CoM | Previous: "paragon of darkness… infinite" - HC 04
Next: From Tahoe - HC Chapter 06

Part 1: Gem
 Part 2: Mist
 Part 3: Julien


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  1. Interesting…so The Purge took place decades ago. Granted, we never got very far in the game, but I can’t help but wonder if any of our characters managed to make something of themselves.

    KingCrazyGenius — 8/25/06 @ 4:44 am | #Link | Reply

  2. We might see, we might see.

    Flak — 8/27/06 @ 5:16 pm | #Link | Reply

  3. I really like this chapter… The dialogue is a bit confusing in the beginning, but it makes sense after Mana enters the stage…

    I don’t quite understand how someone who has lived in a palace his entire life could ride a horse for that long…. Wouldn’t he get cramped legs, etc? It would be a bit more realistic if you added some description of his ‘masked discomfort’ or something… Or maybe the palace was really big. I dunno. *shrug* Guess it doesn’t really matter, just bugged me a bit.

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 5:59 pm | #Link | Reply

  4. This may be a stupid question, but is there a difference between a Lord and a Guardian Lord? Or are they one and the same?

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 6:08 pm | #Link | Reply

  5. Just like Alina, I really liked this chapter. Traveling scenes can be kind of mundane and boring, but you made the whole chapter an easy and enjoyable read. There were times when I thought you could’ve used simpler words and phrasings, and I will point them out shortly. Anyway, there are a couple other things I want to say before I dive into some specific problems. The first is that I found the dialogue to be engaging and interesting. Of course, Julien sounds a lot like a teacher or lecturer at points, but that seems to be explainable as just being a part of his character. Secondly, I liked how you made a point of mentioning how captivated Mana was by nature- it serves to remind the reader of how confined he had been for his whole the life. For me, though, it does raise a question. Mana grew bored of the palace’s beauty in part it seems because he was never exposed to nothing else, but also because it was a part of what confined him. So I wonder if perhaps he might grew bored with nature’s beauty, or if he will ever grow disillusioned with it at some point. It’s a minor point in the end, but it’s just something that occurred to me.

    Anyway, time to move on to the little things:

    “In reality, they were uniformly there for one reason- to make sure that this creep of a Guardian Heir leave.”

    Just a grammatical mistake. It should be “to make sure that this creep of a Guardian Heir left.”

    “You’re scared that he’ll devour your souls or something, are you?”

    I think it should be “aren’t you” but “are you?” might be acceptable. I am not positive.

    “This time of year was the resting season for the northlands, and while the farmers in Tryn were just now beginning to plow their lands, these fields lay barren, recuperating from the light frosts of late winter.:

    The agricultural term is “fallow” instead of “barren.” Not a big deal though.

    “Without it, trade between countries would be in significantly less abundance.”

    I think it would be simpler to say, “Without it, trade between countries would be significantly less abundant.”

    “Whether that’s a matter of pride and misplaced love and trust, or a matter of incredibility, is unsure.”

    It might work better to say “it is uncertain.”

    There was one other line I thought could use some minor improvement, but I can’t find it at the moment. Sorry.

    Anyway, I thought the chapter was very good overall, and I look forward to reading more. The quest to finish HC continues!

    Inquisitor — 7/9/07 @ 7:51 pm | #Link | Reply

  6. “In reality, they were uniformly there for one reason- to make sure that this creep of a Guardian Heir leave.”

    You switch tenses there. Should be: to make sure that their creep of a Guardian Heir left (or departed etc). Inquisitor’s mentioned that already.

    “With it, people can take to the skies”
    Tense again “people could”.

    “Each story has four terminals and each terminal can harbor two ships, making for three hundred and twenty docks. Most of the time, less than a quarter of these would be occupied with a ship. As Antyliken is the only such port in the world, this means that more often than not, at least two hundred and seventy ships would be in use at a time.”

    Tense again - you’ve slipped into present tense rather than past. Had, could, wasǃ?

    “The Crystals are named such because they’re a number of tiny crystallite jewels that are imbued with the essence of the magic that runs in the Mana Line.”

    Tense problems. I sound like a broken record :D

    “or a matter of incredibility, is unsure.”

    Do you mean incredulity there? Not sureǃ?

    Alina’s horsey comment - I’ve ridden horses. Badly. It hurts. Badly. :D If you don’t ride regularly and you’re male, trust me, certain parts of you ‘ache’ for quite some time. :p

    Next!

    Vagrant — 7/16/07 @ 3:40 am | #Link | Reply

  7. Argh, tenses, my greatest enemy. In the first case pointed out though, with ‘make sure [he] leave’, I’m fairly sure that that’s not ‘the present tense’—isn’t it the subjunctive?
    –
    Anyway, I’ll get to fixing everything else.
    –
    As for the horses, eh. It’s safe to assume that Mana has ridden before (in preparation for the trip, under Julien’s supervision, on the palace grounds), and it’s also safe to assume that even so such a prolonged ride would discomfort him. Not as much as it would someone who never rides, but it would still be substantial. I think… >_>
    –
    As for the Lord/Guardian Lord thing, uh… yeah, there’s a difference. Lord is more general. Julien Tryn is a Lord (of Tryn). The higher-ups in the Underworld are Lords. There is only one Guardian Lord; it’s a specific title that is held by the ‘High King’ of Libra if you will. In this case, Mana’s father.
    –
    So … yeah. Thanks for your comments, everyone!
    –
    EDIT: edited.

    Flak — 7/16/07 @ 7:09 am | #Link | Reply

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