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8/17/06 "paragon of darkness… infinite" - HC 04

By Flak | Proceed to Story | Comments: 10

Woot chapter four.

Now, first I’ll apologize for how late this chapter is (roughly eleven days) because it really shouldn’t have taken me this long to get it up. As things are, I did not complete it before going to the convention on the 4th- a fine excuse for not having it up eleven days ago. Finishing it up during my vacation, however, as the backup plan went, did not pan out at all. I spent a good deal of my time down south with family, and the second largest part playing/creating data for Wesnoth and working on my Warcraft 3 map (Verga Dissonance).

I got some little bits of writing done here and there, but in the end, I only finished the bulk of Chapter Four on the second to last day of the vacation. I touched up dialogue and the ending of the chapter in the car coming home, and then spent my first day back in Berkeley doing a big art update, laundry, and writing about the convention. I finished up several other things yesterday (such as catching up on software/forums/etc.) but didn’t get around to polishing up the chapter. Finally, today, I’m posting the completed Chapter Four. Please leave any comments or suggestions on the piece, and I’m of course glad to answer questions any time.

My Notes (mild spoilers, click to view)

  • So Pyrim has been in (and lived through) three chapters so far this time around. Last time he died in the third chapter featuring him. Don’t worry- he’ll still die for the same reason, in the same place, at the same time, but I guess I’m just taking a bit more time to get there.
  • We see more changes in Gem’s character from last time around. In the old COM, despite being hardened for battle and killing by Ji’Lopan, Gem still felt uneasy about harming others, and had some pretty sensitive feelings to boot. This is gone now. Displayed in his ease and nonchalance while knocking off the Underworlders that come after him (though not prominently, in order to emphasize the lack of focus on it), Gem is now quite comfortable with hurting others, and kills without feeling guilt so long as he feels his actions are justified in some manner. Before he left Ji, he had no choice but take his actions. Now, he’s fighting to defend someone (supposedly). In addition, towards the end of the chapter, we see that he’s no longer so convicted of his ability to fend for himself. So basically, he goes from (in old COM) a strong Underworlder with lots of confidence yet little will to back it up to (in new COM) a strong Underworlder with a bit of confidence and just the right amount of will to assert it.
  • Also it should be noted that this whole chapter’s point and main scenes were not in the old COM. In old COM, Gem does not run back to the city. He isn’t even aware of it being destroyed. He and Pyrim return the next day to be attacked by Ly’ban and rescued by Pyrim’s family- a sequence that makes no sense, as a) how would Pyrim’s family survive in the scenario where there are NO living survivors in Verga City and Ly’ban did the razing instead of Shades and b) Ly’ban can take down people by the dozens in seconds- it was entirely unrealistic to have ordinary men rescue Legend Reborn from them.
  • That’s about it for now… enjoy! Chapter Five will most likely be a Mana chapter, in order to balance things out and not make this plotline go by too quick.
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CoM | Previous: One Week Later- HC Chapter 03
Next: Picture-perfect Catch-up - HC 05

Part 1: Gem
 Part 2: Mist
 Part 3: Julien


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  1. Interesting. Still, it’s very interesting. The transition from him fighting and being unconscious was quite seamless, and at other times might have been seen as silly, but I think it worked out very well.
    -
    Another thing that came up that I wasn’t sure was an error or not. Paragraph 21, second sentence. The whole ‘a-’ thing confused me a bit. Wondering what that was about.
    -
    Anyways, I can’t wait for the next segment!

    Alar — 8/17/06 @ 9:25 pm | #Link | Reply

  2. Nice stuff. A few words I have for it though. First, the phrase “the hell I am going to the Inferno”, seems a little out of place. Would the word hell even exist in your world? Isn’t that what the Inferno covers?

    Second, some sort of punctuation, like a *** on a line, would have helped to let me know that the scene just changed. Jumping from the action to waking up confused me a bit.

    KingCrazyGenius — 8/19/06 @ 9:04 am | #Link | Reply

  3. Alar: spoke to you about your comment. The a- thing was a mistake and is now fixed. The transition was, as you probably figured, intentional.
    -
    KCG: first, you might notice this in other places as well (especially next chapter). There are a lot of words used that might seem “out of setting”. These mainly stem from archaic human cultures throughout Libra, from before Maha came along 3000 some odd years ago. Perspectives, knowledge, and the like changes over time, as do labels and titles, but some words never die.
    -
    Second, with the transition. I didn’t really know how to have Gem slip unconscious without writing something either unrealistic or really corny. I thought of an abrupt scene change, but then I figured it’d be more realistic if, as this is all coming from Gem’s awareness, we jump from one sensation to the next. The lack of punctuation was intentional, a little confusion does well to emulate that which Gem no doubt feels as he transitions from victory to being awoken by voices. If that was unpleasant, I suppose that’s just a downside of my story. :\

    Flak — 8/19/06 @ 11:08 am | #Link | Reply

  4. Only a few akward phrases. It’s really good, but one question: Rejh was the one posing as Gem? That wasn’t quite clear… Clear enough, I suppose. nevermind, then.

    I also agree with KingCrazyGenius that the transition was a bit confusing and could use a few asterisks or something… But I still like the quote “the hell I am going to the Inferno”… Keep it? It’s funny ^_^

    Alina — 12/30/06 @ 5:55 pm | #Link | Reply

  5. The usual orderly nature of Verga City had been deconstructed earlier in order to accommodate for the masses, and now that accommodation had facilitated the propagation of disorder.
    I like that sentence, but, maybe it contains just too many ǃ�big wordsǃ� for your average reader? Or maybe itǃ�s just that accommodation is used twice. ǃ?had been deconstructed earlier in order to accommodate the masses, and this had facilitated the etc etcǃ? might make that sentence a little easier to digest.
    ǃ?And, taking it into stride,ǃ? ǃ� And, taking it in stride,
    ǃ?he continued to dash forward lightly alongǃ? ǃ� I think the ǃ�lightlyǃ� could be dropped there. It makes the sentence read awkwardly.
    ǃ?and his role had switched back and forth thief between bounty hunterǃ?
    ǃ�switched back and forth thief?ǃ� Maybe ǃ�switched back and forth between thief and bounty hunter.
    ǃ?His role in the game that the Underworld Architects playedǃ? ǃ� that seems like a sentence fragment. Possibly add ǃ�This wasǃ� to the start ǃ� ǃ?This was his role in the game etcǃ?
    ǃ?Gem didnǃ�t like it one bit.ǃ?
    Good sentence, that, in relation to the para above it. Nice sum up.
    ǃ?Pain racked his frame as he attempted to stand, only to find that his ribs didnǃ�t like the idea.ǃ? ǃ� I liked that too. Thatǃ�s what ǃ�Iǃ� tend to do with my writing. Itǃ�s not humour, but it is a certain lighter touch within heavy drama.
    The description of the demon is well written too. You get a sense of the horror Gem might feel.
    ǃ?In its skeletal hand was now clamped a lengthy black poleǃ? ǃ� Iǃ�d move ǃ�clampedǃ� to the front of this sentence. ǃ?Clamped in its skeletal hand was a lengthy blah blahǃ?
    Within seconds, the cloak caught flame.
    ***
    ǃ?Nothingǃ�s broken, thatǃ�s a relief.ǃ? ǃ� you need a *** between these two sentences like KCG and Alina said so readers realise thereǃ�s a break, a passage of time. Otherwise it comes out of nowhere and doesnǃ�t make sense. Iǃ�d consider revising the sentence before the break, to give the reader a sense that Gem ǃ�isǃ� losing consciousness despite that fact that he doesnǃ�t realise it. While it may make sense to you to leave it how it is, it’s the readers that matter!
    I don’t have a problem with the hell reference. If your world has a hell then that’s fine.
    ǃ?ǃ?Amateur or not,ǃ? the men thatǃ? ǃ� the man! The man!!! :D
    Whoever Alina is, you should listen to her (or him…I just get the impression he’s a her :D ). She’s doled out some pretty good advice thus far.
    ~Vags

    Vagrant — 6/16/07 @ 4:31 am | #Link | Reply

  6. Oh man, so much feedback! Your roll is refreshing for me, too. And at this rate you might catch up with the story before I get the next chapter out @_@
    –
    So thanks for all the edit advice, I’ll get to implementing it some time later this morning. I’ll also put in a clear break for Gem’s unconsciousness, thanks to popular demand XP
    –
    re: hell referenceǃ�the world has a “hell” (the Inferno) but no one refers to is as “hell.” Assuming that the “Common Libran” language is English, then “hell” would be the word gotten from Christianity. Given the nature of this world, “hell” as a word should not exist in it. I think that’s what KCG’s problem with it was. My point in defense of it is that its existence has meaning. Of course, I think most readers (accustomed to such language) would read through it without blinking an eye…

    Flak — 6/16/07 @ 7:03 am | #Link | Reply

  7. I equate ‘inferno’ and ‘demons’ with hell anyways so it didn’t seem out of place in that sense.

    Vagrant — 6/16/07 @ 7:13 am | #Link | Reply

  8. Update: implemented the fixes you suggested, Vags, and I hope I managed to make some of the awkward sentences a bit better. I also fixed some punctuation that I’d overlooked in the second half.

    Flak — 6/16/07 @ 8:45 am | #Link | Reply

  9. Good good :)

    BTW if you ever get the feeling I’m being overly critical - I’m pretty much the same with my own work. Sometimes, ’sometimes’ I’ll write a chapter I completely adore, but most of the time there will be bits and pieces I just don’t like but don’t have the time or patience to keep altering.

    And as with ‘all’ prose, it’s a little more difficult to begin to note the positive until you’re (hopefully) significantly immersed and invested in the world.
    It’s like when you read a novel by a new author - takes you a while to adjust to their particular style.

    Vagrant — 6/18/07 @ 1:23 am | #Link | Reply

  10. When reading this chapter, I was struck particularly by the section where Gem is running through Verga city. I will highlight some passages and discuss how they contributed to the particular impression I drew from reading the entire segment.

    ǃ?Forcing thoughts of freedom to seem unnecessary, Gem ran towards the city. As he approached, the flames in town shot yet higher. Their heat was tangible even before Gem was through the gates, and passing into the southern quarter of Verga City entailed dashing through fire.ǃ?

    ǃ?Chunks of masonry and burning timbers came crashing down around Gem as he ran through the quickly deteriorating city. He had too many thoughts to count- considerations as to the destructionǃ�s effect on the rest of civilization, ponderings on what would come next, frightful premonitions regarding the motives and actions of the Infernals pursuing him. Tossing these all aside, Gem took to the roofs, hoping to at least avoid the dangers presented by being at a lower elevation in relation to the loosening tiles and beams. Running as lightly as he could, he took in the city below him in sweeping gazes, hoping to discern something meaningful among the spiraling ashes.

    ǃ?What had an hour before been a peaceful scene illustrating content and shared interests had become a tableau of fear and chaos. The usual orderly nature of Verga City had been deconstructed earlier in order to accommodate for the masses, a move which now facilitated the escalation of disorder. Entire facades of buildings lay in ruins on the streets, corpses of citizens and travelers alike crushed beneath them. Fire poured from every window; every beam of every building was aflame. Seeing the city from on high, Gem realized the truth he should have noticed back in the field at Jiǃ�Lopanǃ�s side: Verga City was finished, and there was nothing he could do about it.ǃ?

    ǃ?He chose to believe he understood why while shoving a third Underworlder away from himself as he ran, sending the poor mercenary to his painful demise amidst the flaming wreckage of one of the greatest cities of Man. It was, he decided, due to who he was.ǃ?

    I guess my primary criticism would be that we get a strong sense of what Gem is thinking and feeling about the destruction of Verga, but we donǃ�t get a lot of powerful images of Verga actually burning down. There are generalities about how the city is burning down and there are some great lines in there (ǃ?he took in the city below him in sweeping gazes, hoping to discern something meaningful among the spiraling ashesǃ? was particularly good) and I think there is a place for descriptions like that, but I think we would be able to better understand Gemǃ�s thoughts if we had a more detailed picture of the situation. Of course, it would be excessive to describe every building and every dead body, but I think that giving the reader a detailed glimpse of some specific places burning and collapsing would bring the reader closer to seeing what Gem sees.

    Other than that, I really donǃ�t have much more advice. We are beginning to see Gem come into his own more, and his personality is being fleshed out more and more, which is definitely a good thing (he is the main character after all). The way you resolved the duel between Gem and Ji was cool (I especially liked the way you described Jiǃ�Lopanǃ�s exit; it was really amazing). There were times when I thought they might be talking too much (they were locked in battle after all), but then again, they both know each other pretty well, and maybe that they are willing to chat during a life and death battle is a significant fact. I would talk more about the style you have used to depict your battle sequences, but it is tough to strike the right balance between detail and flow (a sentence that details precisely where a blow lands and in what manner might take a lot of words, so it will make the readerǃ�s comprehension of the action slow down to take it all in, though it can also carry with it captivating imagery and rhythm, whereas a simpler line might capture the pace of the battle more, but because it is devoid of detail, it might feel stark and somewhat uninspired). So far, I think you have struck a good balance; really, itǃ�s just something to bear in mind (I donǃ�t say it as one who is an expert at describing battles; I say it more as someone who has had a lot of trouble trying to get it down just right).

    I have brought up imagery a lot, and I donǃ�t want to leave you with the impresion that I consider it the end all be all of writing (or that it needs to have a prominent position). All of this is just my opinion, and I donǃ�t consider myself a great writer or a great literary critic, so it doesnǃ�t carry any more weight than any amateurǃ�s opinion. Anyway, despite some of the concerns I expressed about this chapter, I think the story is heading in a good direction, and it will be very interesting to see how things develop.

    Inquisitor — 7/7/07 @ 1:13 pm | #Link | Reply

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